Seeing Beauty through the Pain

Earlier this week, I was told about a little girl, Glory, from my church being severely injured. She was playing in the backyard with her brother and sister, Larry and Angel, on the trampoline. She's only two, and the older kids wanted to jump higher. They told her to go play another game because with her on the trampoline, they had to be much more careful. She went out front to play with her mom, Angelique, and do some gardening. Her aunt called her mom, and asked her to come over. Long story short, this beautiful mother headed over to her sisters house. She was backing out of her driveway when she hit something. She thought it was a cat, or maybe some other animal. But, when she parked the car and went to check, she realized that it was her two year old daughter. 911 was called, and the family was panicked, scared, and concerned for their little girls well being. They got the family safely to the hospital and took the little girl from her parents. They learned that she had broken both of her femurs, had a crushed hip, broken pelvis, punctured liver, internal bleeding, a swollen head, and a ton of bruising. BUT, she was declared stable just days later. We had the chance to go see this beautiful family today. I did not really know what to expect. I assumed we would see a distraught mother, a broken heart, and lots of tears. But what we experienced surprised me. There were no tears, there were lots of smiles and I could see MY GOD so clearly through this tragedy. Angelique, the mother, was all hugs and smiles. She was allowed to take one guest at a time to see her little Glory. Her room was located in the very last room of the PICU. Angelique just kept telling me that she was seeing God in this. That she knew that he does and allows everything for a reason. She said that this is not tearing her family apart, but actually bringing them closer together. Glory is going to be okay, it's going to be a long road. (She's probably going to be in the hospital for 8 weeks) But they are Choosing to See through the pain and through the heartache. They are living examples of how Christ wants us to be. Leaning and entirely dependent on Him. Knowing that without Him there is nothing and we are nothing. They are showing everyone that they encounter the love of Christ and proving to the world that God works through even the most tragic circumstances.

Beauty in its purest form

I don't know about you, but when I hear the words "prettiest girl," one face automatically comes to mind. She's a dark haired, dark eyed girl who shines from the inside out. I don't consider her the most beautiful because of her physical looks (as gorgeous as she is), but because of her heart and her love for God and others. Her name is Fallon Reynolds, and she is my little sister. I have never, in my life, met a girl as special as her. She has been my face to smack (which does...did, not happen often), my shoulder to cry on (remember that time in your room?? what song were we crying to again?), my buddy when we're hyper and mom's getting embarrassed in public places because we are acting like "children". I don't see what's so wrong with that ;) She's the only girl that I know who can act entirely herself around any person young or old, boy or girl, stranger or friend..(you know what I mean Tommy.. and Zach Chalberg). She makes a JCCC meeting hysterical and makes squishing bugs look like a fun after school activity. She's been there to see me heart fall apart and help me put it back together. Whatever has gone on in my life, she's been right there feeling along with me. She has been my best friend. We haven't always gotten along well, but these past few years with her are years that I wouldn't change for the world. I cannot imagine my life without this incredible girl, she is my life. The most important thing one should know about Fallon, is that she is incredibly smart and she loves God. She teaches me new things every day and experiences life to the fullest. One day, I want to grow up and be just like her. She teaches me how to love God and love others more fully. She amazes me with her God given talents of singing, song writing, and guitar playing. And one day...no, you know what not one day, right now, she is doing amazing things for God. She is saving people, and I don't think she knows that. She is bringing people to God and loving them like Christ would. I pray that she only gets stronger, and I know that God gave me her as a sister, but more than that He gave me my best friend. And I love her so much.

Heroic, Beautiful, Love

She's a nurse, a taxi driver, a counselor, a chef, a landscaper, a therapist, banker, a secretary, an accountant, and most importantly a God fearing woman of faith. Who is this crazy awesome woman?? Well, you might be surprised, but she's my mother. Sure she's not paid for all these jobs, but she preforms them daily. She has kissed away pain, driven me all over town, held my hands and my heart as I let myself fall apart, made amazing food out of seemingly nothing, kept our gardens looking gorgeous, given me advice that I would have never thought of, helped me learn finances and given me any money I've needed, she really is a secretary as her job, she keeps our budget under control, and she's been the most influential person in my life. Without a woman like her in my life, I would not be who I am today.

She has literally changed every part of my life, for the best. She helped me see God when all I saw was pain and anger. She reminded me that no matter what was going on, she'd be there. And she was. She is the most incredible woman that God EVER put on this earth. There is literally no one else that I would want as my mom.

Throughout my life, I have had many ups and plenty of downs. I have been insecure, proud, haughty, angry, sad, and all the extremes in between. And somehow she stuck with me through all of them. I don't know if I could have had the same patience that she's consistently shown me. She does so much and has done so much for me that I can't even begin to go into all the details.

My mom is an incredible woman that constantly surprises me with her endurance through all things. She has shown me exactly what I want to be like as an adult. How to endure through pain, hurt, anger, happiness, and stress. She has taught me how to be a mother (even though I'm not one yet, one day :)), she's taught me how to be a God-fearing wife, how to respect those in authority, how to anything and everything that one can think of. She is more amazing then any blog I write will give her credit for. I can only say that without her I wouldn't know God, I wouldn't know where I want my life to go from here, and I definitely wouldn't be the God-fearing young adult that I am working to become daily.

So thank you so much mom, for being you, and helping me become who I am. I love you so much. And without you.... I have no idea how my life would have turned out.

God is leading me

Okay, I decided that I will be posting a lot more. That may or may not be good, but I feel that God wants me to. So I'm gonna do it :) I think for every blog, I am going to write about one specific person that has loved me, helped me grow in my faith or in my life, and someone that I care about deeply. I hope you enjoy them, but if you don't...sorry lol but I think it's important to acknowledge those who have changed us for the better. Shortest blog post in all history, I will post my first of the series this week. I love you guys so much and God loves you more than I ever can.

God Moves :)

So, I am trying to figure out exactly how I'm going to write this blog post. As I tell everyone I'm going to start at the beginning and go all the way to the end. Then stop. Sound good? I sure hope so, here goes. Disclaimer: This may be a pretty long read, so get settled in, and stick with me.

Okay, so the story you are about to hear is the story of me. My life, what God has done for and through me, and all the little bits in between. Okay, so..hmm this is a bit harder than I thought it'd be.

I am Jenna Reynolds, as you all well know, and my parents are Victoria Ham and Scott Reynolds. Biologically, that is, we'll get to that a little later. My parent's married young, really young, like my age. (I know what you're thinking, and not gonna happen). They had me and that's the beginning, it's so interesting, I know. When I was about 3 1/2, my parents had my little sister, Fallon, who has come to be one of my very best friends. (The story picks up, I swear)

Around the age of five, my parent's had some problems and ended up getting divorced. I honestly can't remember too much of this part of my life, so it was weird, but I was probably more confused than hurt. We stayed with my mom and would visit my dad on weekends, and it seemed to work out pretty well for us. I took on the role of wanting to be the "protector" since we no longer had a man readily available to perform that job. I liked it just being the three of us, either mom, Fallon, and I or dad, Fallon, and I.

Dad and Mom would date other people, but generally I would shun anyone who tried to make their way into our lives. We didn't need anyone, we just needed each other. Other people would complicate our already perfected group dynamic. Just as I am now, I was pretty vocal about how much I disliked these men and women. They knew they were not welcome. I was a bitter little girl that didn't want things to change anymore than they already had. After all, my parent's had a chance of getting back together if they weren't with someone else right? At least, that's what every girl or boy would dream.

Three seemed like the magic number for me in those years, I had two best friends, Zach and Emily. We were the "three musketeers". No fourth member necessary. I didn't need to be close to anyone, or so I thought. I already had friends, no need for new ones? Right? Well, you see, elementary school ends, and sometimes that means you have to go to a new school.

Around the age of 7, my mom married a man named Mark Ham. We didn't get along to say the least. He ruined my idea of a family by instituting a fourth member. He knew. He knew that I didn't accept him, but he married my mom anyway. For years and years and (did I mention years?) we argued, getting into LOUD and heated fights. I was emotionally drained all the time and focusing more on what Jenna wanted than anything else.

Did I mention I was a daddy's girl? In my eyes, my father could do no wrong. Sure, he was an alcoholic. We can handle that. Sure, he got into some drugs. No big deal. He loved us more. He always would. I HAD a dad, I sure didn't need a new one. My dad is fun, he's hilarious, and sure he made some bad choices, but who doesn't? I never gave Mark those same privileges.

I had turned into a monster. During all of this, my life started in a downward spiral. My dad started going through things and missing our visits. We saw each other on weekends. Then once a week, for a day. Then once a month. Then we didn't see him for an entire year. I was broken. This man that I had put up on a pedestal was crumbling before my very eyes. At one point, we weren't even allowed to go anywhere with him. If we wanted to meet, we could meet at the court house for ONE HOUR, with some random lady there watching us the whole time. Those were dark days. I would cry myself to sleep, wondering what I ever did to deserve this.

My mom became my rock, she was there through it all. And I do mean it all. Through the rebellion, through the anger, and through many gallons of tears. She kept me strong and always reminded me that God was there, even if I didn't feel Him. Without her there, I would have fallen apart completely.

With me being the protective person that I was, and am, made it hard for Mark to be the "man" in the family. I guess, after my parents divorce, I assigned myself as the protector, the one who would keep the family together, and the one who would always be there. I would not, could not, let my family down.

Me and Mark always butted heads, probably somewhat due to my selfish desire to "be the man" (metaphorically) in the family. I resented him for coming into our lives and just wanted things to be back to the way they were. But that would never happen. Dad would never remarry mom and I had to accept that.

So, with all that drama, my life was pretty much a melting pot of emotions. Mostly, anger and hurt. Anger at one dad, and hurt from another. I was one broken kid, one broken young adult, and one broken person and I felt like there was nothing that I could ever do about it.

So, I did what I knew I could and I buried it. I hid it all away deep inside myself, to the point where I almost forgot it existed. I kept a mask up of happiness, I told my story and people thought I was strong. People thought that I had made it through all the junk, and that I had fixed my hurt and my pain. But I hadn't, and up until a few days ago, I still hadn't.

Rewind a little bit here, about 3 years ago we got a new youth pastor, Al, at my church. But before that I met a girl named Grace Manning. We met through school and ended up becoming best friends. We were both strong Christians who wanted a girl friend that wasn't girly. So we clicked really fast. She was the girl I wanted to have as a close friend, because I generally don't get along well with girls. She was there through some hard stuff, and eventually I invited her to my church where she is now a member. We met our youth pastor around the same time and began to build a strong relationship with him. He was like the dad I always wanted. He was a Christian like Mark and he was fun like my dad. He had it all, but the thing is, he didn't want us to see him as a dad. He worked with Mark and I and we got to a place where there was little to no fighting and we could have nice conversations together. And he helped me break down the walls of my heart from the hurt of everything that happened with my dad. He was there when they weren't.

I guess I thought that after all those years of talking to Al and coming to terms with the pain that I had tucked away, that the pain was gone. Not so.
I had yet to face the monster that I was hiding. Deep inside of me the pain had turned into an infection that had unknowingly affected my entire life. It was there just waiting to come out and mess up relationships and friendships. But God has been working on me. He has helped me grow close to Him, helped me tear this giant down and come to terms with my past.

Last Monday, at a small group with three of my very best friends, Adam, Grace, and Tommy I let those walls down. Sure, I have told my story, but I always left emotion out of the picture. They didn't need to see what it had really done to me did they? I thought they didn't, but God had a different idea in mind.

I was talking about my dad and how I had PRAYED for 13 YEARS for him to come to Christ and it seemed like no matter what I did, it never worked. I prayed everyday for 13 years. 13. That's a long time. A long time to question God. A time to wonder if He even LISTENED TO A WORD I SAID. Obviously, my prayer didn't matter enough...I poured myself into praying and then I stopped. I would pray, but it was automatic, cold, and unexpecting. God hasn't done anything yet, why would that change now?

My dad went into rehab a few months back, just for alcoholism. Ended up getting a job as a manager at a Taco Bell. I thought he'd done it. I was so proud. But no. He fell back into it. Then he went to a different rehab. Teen challenge. Where you learn about God and there's no drinking or smoking. He went to church more days that I did every week. He got up at the crack of dawn to work and he worked hard. He didn't stay the full time that he was supposed to, but you know why? Not because he gave up, but because he didn't agree with what they were saying about God. He told me that he just wanted to worship God and that they were making it too complicated. They were misinterpreting what God said. He just wanted to love God. MY dad the one who I prayed for for years, just wanted to love God.... It absolutely took my breath away. God works. In his time. Not my time. Not your time. God only works on His time. He is not accountable to us. We cannot move His hand.

My small group talked about this, but even after all this great INCREDIBLE news, there was still hurt. A whole lot of hurt that I could not, and cannot bear alone. Deep inside there was still this little girl that just wanted to ask her daddy, "Why can't you stop...for me? Am I not important enough to you? Not even me?" I felt like if he really, really cared...he could stop. But it wasn't that simple. Addictions are hard to break, and I believe that he did it not only for us, his daughters, but for God. And he could have never come to that if I didn't wait for 13 years.

God does every single thing for a reason. It might seem painful in the process and maybe even afterwards. Trust me, I know. But God works. He knows what He's doing as crazy as that sounds :)

If I hadn't stuck with God through all of this, I would be a helpless pile of emotions ready let go of life. But God has continually been there for me. Been there to bring people into my life like my mom, my sister, Grace, Al, Adam, and so many more to keep me strong. To love me, as Christ loves me. Without them and without God I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be the girl that want's to help other girls going through this exact same thing. I would be a bitter girl ready to yell at the world, and I'd be the girl that nobody would want to be. God moves. He does things that we don't understand. But that's the beauty of it.

He puts us through the fire so that we can be refined to reflect Him. I'm far from being there, but God is moving in my life. He's moving so much and I cannot wait for the rest of my life. God is so good. And I love Him more than anything else.

If you have stuck around for all of this, I commend you :) I don't know if I could have. This is far from my life story.. I don't really know why I thought I would be able to put my whole life into a blog, but hey! it's worth a shot. This is just something God has laid on my heart to share. I am broken. We are all broken, and only through God can we be made new.