Satan Sucks

     Today, I was able to get a lot of time talking to God. Out loud. In my car. Where no one could interrupt me or think I was crazy by talking out loud and not getting a response. Best place to have intimate God talks (for me at least). Something that I have been learning a lot this summer is that Satan has a way of knowing what gets under our skin. He knows what will get us fired up. He knows what will ruin our good memories. He knows what will make us angry and hurt and frustrated. And guess what! He feeds on that. He does his best to weasel his way into my life without me even knowing he's there. He gets me to act like a brat..well, I suppose he doesn't MAKE me, he just presents me with opportunities that I generally don't use to glorify God. I take all the blame for how I act. A good friend of mine told me this summer that it's okay to feel emotions, it's okay to be hurt, frustrated, or angry, but it doesn't give me an excuse to act like a "grouch butt." I am responsible for how I act regardless of how I feel. Sometimes, I don't feel like giving my life to God. Sometimes, I feel like pouting just to show that I am upset, instead of simply addressing it or giving it to God and letting him handle it. Sometimes, I FEEL like rubbing people's nose in their mistakes to make them know what they did to hurt me. How Christ-like, right? No. Not really at all. That's a sucky thing to do to anyone, especially to the people that I claim to love most. That's hurtful, and though I don't do it consciously most of the time, I know in the end that is what I have done. How hateful. I allow the enemy room in my heart to make his place there if only for a time. I allow his hate, his bitterness, his ugly to come into my life. When I was talking to God today I realized, once I said it out loud, that Satan had my heart in a vice grip and I allowed him to keep it there because my hurt felt justified. Well, it's not. It's okay to feel hurt, but acting out and hurting someone else to tend to my own wounds is never the right answer. I can see God working on my heart more and more. I can feel him mending what's been broke, and though I am not going to be perfect overnight, I am growing. I am healing. I am becoming more like Christ, even when I slip into old ways sometimes. I am always telling people that I'm a realist, Adam claims I'm closer to the pessimistic end of the spectrum, and maybe I am more of a pessimist than I previously thought. I think Satan feeds on that. He knows that I have fears and insecurities and he knows just how to make me question the healing that God is working on my heart. He knows how to make me insecure in my relationships with the people that I love most and even with God at times. Satan sucks. I really don't like him. I don't like who I am when I slip into my old self. I want to be all in for Christ. I want to be ever growing in my relationship with him and I am. Satan can lie to me all he wants, but I am tired of listening. I am done listening.

Control Freak

     I recently got a pretty painful wake up call from God. I figured out that I am kind of like Sarah (you know..from the story of Sarah and Abraham?) in at least one area. I am a control freak. Now, don't be shocked, I DID know this about myself and have known for quite some years, but I hadn't really ever compared myself to Sarah until recently. I mean, just look at her story. She couldn't have children, so she gave Hagar (her servant) to her husband to be his (second) wife in order that they might have a family line. Hagar did what Sarah asked of her, got pregnant, and kinda rubbed it in Sarah's face. Obviously, Sarah didn't take too kindly to that. I mean...who would? BUT, think about this. SARAH started this. SARAH wasn't patient enough to wait for God's timing. SARAH gave her husband another woman. SARAH. But who was angry? Sarah. What the poop? Sarah had no one to blame in this situation aside from herself! And as I read that...I got to thinking, "Well, that's just silly. You can't have it both ways, sweetie. You want children. But can't have them. You send in your maidservant. But don't really want her to be able to have children either? Or your jealousy is overtaking you so you throw a little hissy fit?...Sarah..Sarah...Jen...crap....that's me!"
     For those of you that haven't heard this golden nugget of a story yet, a few days ago I was at the Wyandotte County Fair. I invited Adam and his family, and when they were unable to make it, I checked with my Aunt and cousins. My closest cousin, Mattie, was able to come, so we set out on our little adventure to our childhood ;) One thing I dislike about our culture is the necessity for everyone to be on their phones all the time. Don't get me wrong, I can be that person sometimes..and for that I apologize (it's something I am actively and painfully working on). But as our culture would have it, my cousin was snapchatting and texting away the whole ride/beginning of our visit to the fair. As fate would have it, the Langs were able to come (at least most of them were!) and that was exciting :) We all met up and I realized at once that this night might turn out differently than control freak Jenna planned. And that's no good. I'm like the hulk sometimes..and you won't like me when plans change (or when we're running late) (again...two more things I am currently working on). So, as the night went on, I found myself torn between wanting to spend time with Mattie and wanting to spend time with the Langs, and realizing that because of our texting problem, I would have to choose one or the other at any given time. And as I've said, I don't like choosing, I just like things to magically fit together perfectly all the time just as I want them to be. Well..life. I don't even know why I said that...but I'm keeping it there. Moving on! I had an attitude problem all night. I may not have made it super evident, but I was definitely feeling it, and as much as I tried to let it go and give it to God, I kept dwelling on it. Well, after a series of events unfolded, I had a moment to myself where I was able to text my friend Grace. I asked her to pray for me because I knew I was in the wrong and needed to have a change of heart, and I couldn't do it on my own. So, she prayed for me. It didn't feel like anything changed. I mean it did at first, but then everyone was back together again, and I got my attitude right back. So, I texted her again. "Why is this so hard? I don't want to be irritated!" Or something along those lines. My cousin had decided at this point that she was going to catch a ride to our aunt's with a friend (which was later shot down by her mother, so she came home with me as planned). So, now I'm cranky, and looking for my cousin on a fairgrounds I've never been on before. Cool! Luckily, at this point, Adam had pulled me aside to check how I was doing. I think he caught on about that time that I was being a grouch butt for no known reason. I told him everything, and felt significantly better. But when I get angry, I always feel like crying afterwards. So, my anger had diminished, and he stuck around to help me find my cousin. His family headed home as we set out to look for Mattie.
     Luckily, we found her and her friend pretty quickly! I let her know a few minutes before that she needed to head to the front so we could head out. As we talked and walked to the car, we passed a sewage truck. Adam and I (mostly I) walked through some of the run-off...which is disgusting when you think about it. Adam jokingly nudged me towards the truck, saying I should touch it. Which I vigorously declined, of course. So, Adam touched it instead. And of course, he reached out to touch me, since he knew it would be funny and he was trying to cheer me up. And the thing is....I knew that trailer hitch was there. I had just seen it. I planned on NOT hitting it. It WAS further away...in my head. But as I turned to run away from his sewage hands ;) what met me was a hard, thick, piece of metal straight to my thigh and kneecap. Now, I don't fall down much. I honestly don't. I'm sure many of you have seen me trip, lose my balance, or whatever, but falling is not my thing. I'm not graceful mind you, I drop my phone all the time, but my person rarely gets seriously injured. Well, trailer hitches (in my many encounters with them) are not forgiving. I hit that hitch incredibly hard and flipped over it. I (nearly) faceplanted, luckily I only grazed my ear somehow, and I jumped back on my feet out of sheer embarrassment and shock. I heard several things as this event unfolded. "Is she alright?" yelled some man across the fair. Sweet. Onlookers. "You're cousin is terrible! She's laughing at you!" my cousin's friend stated. "I am a terrible person, I was trying to cheer you up, and I've just made things worse! I'm gonna feel terrible about this for a while!" Adam said. Now, if you've ever seen a little kid get hurt, you'll understand how this all worked out. It hurt. But, it didn't hurt that bad, at first. I got up and started giggling a little bit after hearing that Mattie was, but as soon as Adam wrapped me in a hug and asked if I was okay, I just burst into tears and replied, "No.." Well, I was okay, I had a severely bruised ego in the moment, but that fall is just what I needed. I had pretty much given my anger and icky feelings to God, but I hadn't been able to really release all of that pent-up emotion. I got to bawl. That's good for me. God knew that I need to be knocked off of my high horse of "I should get x amount of quality time with Mattie and Adam when I want it!" He gave me a heavy dose of embarrassment, but also supplied me with two of the people I love the most to laugh it off with. He gave me a memory that will (hopefully) keep my attitude in check and in perspective next time I decide to be a brat. I needed God to kick the funk of out me and that's just what he did. I wasn't angry about falling and getting embarrassed (like I normally am in those situations), I was actually thankful that it had happened. I knew I needed it. Now I have a significant welt in my thigh, and a bruised knee to remind me at least for a few more days, that I don't get to be in control. I am not God, and I need to step down and live in God's love instead of in Jenna's selfishness. It's hard, because control is something that I have struggled with for years, and I know that I'm not going to be perfect over night (like I wanna be), but God is doing a number on me and I am blessed beyond measure to fight these battles with him by my side.

Home

Alright, so I don't blog too often..this I know, so two in a day is gonna be overwhelming for you guys. Take it slow. Summer is coming to a very sudden and screeching halt for me. It seems like I just eased into summer ever so slowly, went to camp and had an incredible time, blinked, and then my summer was over. I know it wasn't actually that way, but it feels like that sometimes. I am the kind of person who isn't particularly fond of change. Me? Little ole Jenna? Doesn't like change? I know...it's a shocker for us all. Harhar ;) I get settled in (which takes me a while) and then I like to stay where I am. I don't mean I like to stay stagnant. I just mean, physically, I prefer to stay in the same city as opposed to going to one place, settling, then packing up and going to another to do the same. That's a vicious cycle for the college student. And I, being a college student, have to do this a couple times a year. I love being in my hometown..er..city? I do. I have all of my family really close. A sister that doubles as my best friend. An incredible boyfriend who is also my best friend. A mom who I love with all that I have in me (she's also my best friend...I have a few okay?! Don't judge) A dad and stepdad that I love dearly. I have close friends that I have rekindled relationships with. And I have (finally) found a new home church and a small group of young adults to be a part of. I can go see them, catch up, and be with people that I love. I love going to Ozark. I have developed an incredible family there that I wouldn't trade for the world. I have the best roommate/best friend, a poopsquatch or two (you know who you are), a couple of "gurls", an awesome big brother, a cliff jumping buddy, and a baby bear that make up my adopted family (and I'm sure there will be more soon). I know God has placed both of these "homes" in my life for a reason. I needed my first home to grow up in. I needed those people at that time to be who I am today. I needed my Ozark home to grow even more. I wouldn't trade these "homes" for the world. I wouldn't swap my story for anyone else's...junk and all. My life has been blessed beyond measure and I am who I am because of every tinsy detail. God has done a number on me...so why do I catch myself worrying about tomorrow? Not tomorrow literally...but the future. Why do I get so antsy about going "home?" Leaving one home for the other means leaving people. And I'm realizing that my "home" isn't a place. It's a set of people. I'm "home" when I'm with Adam, or my Mom, or Fallon, or Marcy, or Dani, or Tricia, or Grace, or any number of other people (don't feel left out, I was thinking of you too..well, maybe...this is getting awkward, just assume I was okay?). But my heart is spread out so far. It is still wholly in me, but at the same time a piece of my heart is with people that I'm not with when I'm at one "home" or the other. At school, a gigantic chunk of my heart stays in Jackson, Tennessee...and in Kansas City. When I'm at home another huge piece is in St. Louis (or China), Joplin, Lamar, Louisville, Texas, and Curryville..My heart struggles to be away from those that I love. So, going "home" is always hard. I long for a day when going Home won't be hard. I was not made for any "home" on earth to satisfy me. Many times I catch myself looking forward to being "home" with my own family some day. I long for my "home" to be my husband...and my kids. Then I remember, even then, I'll long for Home. I will still have parts of my heart scattered among the states and the rest of the world. Though it gets easier for my heart to be away from it's pieces the longer I'm at one "home" or the other, my heart yearns for a day when all of my heart will be whole again. All of the people that I love most will finally be together in one place greater than anything we could ever dream up on earth. I want to go Home....but not yet (see, I still have a lot to do here). One day, my heart will be fully satisfied. One day...I will be Home.

Who am I?

So, the past few days I have been "off." Don't ask me how (cause I wish I knew), but it's not a good kind of off. If those exist. I've felt emotional, needy, selfish, and filled with worry. I have reached my breaking point more than once. Burst into tears a time or two. And held back at least double that. I got around to 5 o'clock this evening and I realized that I hadn't spent any time with God today...wow. How does that even happen. How is it that the ONE who should be most important in my life got pushed aside to the back burner. I didn't even work today, so there goes one excuse. I stayed home. I read. I sold stuff on the internet (or at least tried to). I talked to a good friend on the phone. I ate. I went to get instructions for a house sitting job. But I didn't spend time with God. I made time to procrastinate. I made time to look up pointless junk on the internet (without facebook OR pinterest mind you...that takes skill). I spent my day on me. And look where that gets me every time. I started journaling and realized...I need God. So badly. I need to talk with him. I need to love him. And I need him to love me. So badly. I am too broken without him. I can never put myself together...and try as I might, I just fall apart again without his love. I have spent my summer trying to fix myself, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God. I have spent my LIFE doing this. When will I learn? I am not able to do ANYTHING on my own. I get my feelings hurt over hurtful words. I get angry and hurt when plans change unexpectedly. I feel personally attacked when I am called out on my faults (unless it's in a way that is not embarrassing). I rule my world, and if anyone tries to do things differently, I throw a little (or big) fit. Who am I? Compared to who I was even in high school, I have grown in my faith and in many areas. But when I look at who I am, compared to who I know Christ wants me to be, I am saddened. I know it's a process (and jeez do I hate that), but it's hard. God is soooo good. He is so encouraging, and without his encouragement through his word and through the incredible people he's placed in my life, I probably would have given up by now. I want to be perfect. So badly. I want to figure out my faults and just fix them and never struggle with them again. Ever. I want to be so in love with Christ that when people look at me, the first thing they see is Him. I don't want to be remembered for the sin I have committed. I don't even want to be remembered for the good that I've done. I want to be remembered as God's daughter. I want people to look back when I'm gone and see Christ. I don't care if they remember what I looked like, how many years I went to college, how many mission trips I went on, how much money I made, or anything like that...I want to be remembered for loving Christ first all the time. I want to be remembered as the girl who took each moment as it came and gave God glory through it. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who got angry at the flip of a switch, or the one who had to cry at least 3 times a week to remain sane, or even the one who was good at mourning with those who mourn. I don't want to be remembered for anything I did. I want to be remembered for what Christ did through me.

Alright already

Guys...well, I guess I mean girls...how many times do I have to address this issue. Okay, so I guess it's totally up to me what I talk about on here, but summertime brings out the worst in me on this issue. Modesty IS important. I don't know how many young women that I have talked to lately who have expressed to me their deep desire to find someone worth fighting for. I hear talk of how lucky I am to have found a guy who is trustworthy, respectful, loving, and whose number one priority is following God. I am here to tell you that I didn't find him by going out and partying, drinking, sleeping around, or wearing clothes that draw unnecessary attention to my body. I have been blessed to date my best friend, because I waited on God and spent a lot of time wrestling with where my relationship with Adam was supposed to go. I remember just the other day I was talking to a friend, and she was just sad about the fact that she couldn't find a good man. I was telling her how the good men are out there, but that you have to be following God and being a woman worth fighting for yourself before a good man will consider entering into a relationship with you. Immodesty shows a lack of respect for yourself and for everyone around you. Honestly, women have a tendency towards putting all the blame on men. "They shouldn't be such pigs! I should be able to wear whatever I want! They need to control themselves!" Honestly? C'mon now, ladies. That's a bit pathetic, don't you think? If you had any respect at all for any of the men on this planet, you would cover it up. I don't care how pretty you are or how great of a body you have, when you dress immodestly, you attract a certain kind of man. And then! You complain about how men are pigs and don't have respect for you. Well...duh! You are setting yourself up for failure. You don't have to reveal your body to be pretty. In fact, it's infinitely more impressive when a girl is pretty and modest. You can't say "my eyes are up here" when you're falling out of your clothing. And what is it with these denim underwear that I keep seeing? What? You have got to be kidding me. Those are not shorts, just like leggings are not pants, and those shreds of fabric that are ripped up the sides so guys can see your sports bras are not shirts. I'm telling you, if you want men to respect you, start by respecting yourself. You are worthy of respect. You don't need a man to "complete" you as much as you might want one. And it is your responsibility to honor the men out there. Just think about it this way, if you wouldn't want your boyfriend or future husband to be exposed to certain attire on other women, YOU shouldn't wear those things either. It's a hard enough struggle for them to begin with, we don't have to add to it by not wearing clothes! I know, Jenna always talks about modesty. I'm sorry. I just feel sick about the fact that our young women feel the need to walk around exposing themselves to feel like they are worthy of love and attention. If we all acted a bit more like ladies, I'm betting that the gentlemen would be more easy to discover.

And if I perish, I perish...

     So...I pretty much suck at writing on this blog on a regular basis, so if any of you check this daily...sorry! But today I have something to say. I was spending some time in the word this morning in the book of Esther (and not just because I am a woman!) and I found these words, "and if I perish, I perish." Now, if you know anything about this book, you know that there is this woman, Esther, that is a Jewish girl who becomes the queen. She saves her people and gets the bad guy killed. Pretty heroic lady. That's not why I'm reading through the book, by the way! We are going through this in my Sunday School Class at Christ Church of Oronogo, so I thought I would start digging into it. But in this phrase that I picked out...we see courage. Esther knew that if she entered the kings inner courts without being summoned, she was likely to be killed. But she knew that without her help, all of the Jews (including herself) would be killed. She was willing to do the work and willing to risk her life to save her people.
     Now, what I find so appealing about all of this is that even though she was afraid for her life, she went anyways. Whenever I read a book or watch a movie, I always compare myself to the main female character (whatever, you know you do it too!). It makes movies and books a lot more interesting when you are actually in the shoes of the person whose experiencing all the action. It makes you think. Would I have gone into the king's quarters without his permission? Well, sure! He's MY husband, right?! I should be able to do what I want. Equal rights for crying out loud! But it's not like that here. If I were in Esther's shoes, I would KNOW that unless the king extended his gold scepter out to me, I was dead meat. And sure, you could run and try to scream your way out of death, but I'm sure they've dealt with that before. So, what would I do? Would I let my family and friends be mutilated by some lying, conniving man? Surely not! I would not let him take my sister, and mom, and best friends because I was afraid. Right?
     Well, something else I always do in movies (I can never just peacefully watch a movie, okay?) is compare it to the bigger picture in life. This is totally off subject, but I'm going to give you an example of this. You know in Horton Hears a Who? Yeah. I pictured the little town of Whoville to be God, and Horton was the faithful follower trying to tell everyone that this God he held was real, even if you couldn't really see him or hear him. And that darn kangaroo....well, atheist. She was just so determined that there was absolutely nothing but a speck of dust on that fluffy flower! But boy was she wrong...God was there all along. Now, I know this isn't theologically sound...because God's not a little city full of people, he doesn't need saving, and so on and so forth, but that's how I started with the movie and it just goes from there.
     ANYWAYS, back to what I was actually saying. God doesn't just call us to care about the people really close to us, like our family and friends. He calls us to love all people. To go into ALL the world. The people are being mutilated, starving, dying, without Jesus. And we cry out, "That's not fair! Surely, God will let them into heaven if they've never had a chance to know him!" They did have a chance, but we didn't give it to them, by going. It is our job to evangelize. I'm not calling out any individuals, besides myself. I have to admit, though I am a Bible College student, I still get nervous sharing the gospel. You know why? Because people might not agree with me. They might say mean things, and make me all upset, and then I might say something wrong. What if I preach a gospel that isn't really the gospel. What if I say the wrong thing and turn them off the God. What is I say something, and accidentally do another, and they point their finger at me and point out that I am a wretched human who doesn't really follow God 100%. What then. Well...when I write that out, I notice one thing...I, I, I. Too bad God isn't me! My God is so much bigger than my fallible self. I can do nothing. But Christ is doing something in me. Without him, preaching the word is pointless. Sure, someone might come to the faith, and that's excellent, but when we allow God to speak through us instead of relying on ourselves, we don't have to worry about looking stupid or saying the wrong thing. We still might look or feel stupid sometimes, I'm not saying we won't. But I would much rather look and feel stupid and save someone, then say nothing and condemn them to hell. Now....those are easy words to say, and even easier to write. But they are some tough words to live by.
     I have an amazing family, but you know what's weird? It's so much easier to talk about Jesus to people I don't know well, than it is to talk to my non-Christian family members. Why is that? Is it because we don't want them to think we are crazy? We don't want them thinking we are some Bible-thumping hyper kid? We don't want them thinking that the only way to heaven is through Jesus? We are afraid of being called close-minded? Well, guess what. We are. At least in this area. There is ONE way to get to heaven and that's through Jesus. If that makes me close-minded, then call me close-minded. I don't want the people I love most to go to hell because I was afraid to say something and have them not "like" me as much. I love them too much to let them go to hell. But man, is it scary to think about talking with some of them. Especially, when they are together and can band together against me. Especially knowing myself and how I get to feeling when I'm under that type of pressure. But God is bigger. Why do I forget that? Why do WE forget that?
     We need to go in with the mindset of "and if I perish, I perish." If I'm metaphorically burned at the stake for saying what Christ calls me to say, then so what. If I'm verbally beaten up for speaking the truth...then, so what! There are people out there, who enter war zones, risking their lives to spread the gospel, and I'm afraid to go into my families comfy homes and speak the truth the people that I've known my whole life? That doesn't make a lick of sense. God give us the mind set that "if I perish, I perish." I want to know that I am living my life for you, and honoring you in everything....even if I perish.

Waiting on your Prince Charming

     There is so much that I can talk about on this subject. There are a lot of you girls that I hold especially close to my heart. I enjoy seeing your hearts, spending time with you, and getting to know you more all the time. You are all so precious, and it kills me to see you looking for love without ever finding it. We all wanna be loved, and I swear probably 90% of my blogs are about this, but it is a never ending cycle it seems. We are fed these images of beauty, love, and perfection from the time we are born. We see models, princesses, and happily ever afters on every television screen. We get this idea in our heads that in order for us to have this happy marriage and happy life, we have to be just like them. We have to be perfect physically (like all those models and Disney princesses), we have to be good at cooking, cleaning, and being perfectly behaved. We can't have a personality, unless the guy we pursue desires certain behaviors from us. We can't ever get mad, or be moody, or have any friends outside of him. LIES! We need to have close relationships with other women, young and old, mature and immature (be careful that they don't rub off on you), and let me repeat, other WOMEN. Guys are great, they are fun to hang out with and way less dramatic (generally) than girls, but they can't give you the kind of relationships that you need in another girl. I am the first to admit my mistake in that, I grew up a tom-boy and I was not fond of girls by any means. In any grade from elementary to high school, I had a maximum of 2 close girlfriends, and close to 20 guy friends. That is not healthy. Guys are great, but girls are what we need. 

     Some of you date constantly, one relationship this week and a new one the next. Why? We are all searching for love, but we can't find that in a boy. We can't. Only God can give us the love that we are desperate for. When you expect that from a guy, you are destined for disappointment. They aren't going to fill you up in the way that you deeply desire. Trust me, I know. I was boy crazy too, and pretty much anything that moved I had a crush on (boys of course, not ANYTHING that moved). Some were nice guys, others were jerks, preppy or nerdy, it didn't matter because I was just looking for someone to love me. Just like you are. I didn't realize that they could never give me what I really needed. 

      There are others of you that keep going back to the same guy that keeps doing you wrong. It kills me to see that, and know that there is so much better out there for you. You girls are amazing and you are cutting yourself short by staying in this unhealthy relationship. I know it's hard when you become close to someone like you do in a dating relationship to say "No." and to just walk away. Though it may hurt at first, I promise you, it is so worth it. 

     I know that you girls think that dating in middle school or high school is not really a big deal, but it does something to you. It causes you to give someone a part of your heart, even if that person does not become your spouse. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone you love, the things that you have done in a relationship that you regret? It sucks. There is a safe way to date, I'm not saying the first person you ever date has to end up as your husband. Something to think about, every time someone touches you , kiss you, have sex with you, or whatever it may be, even holding your hand. That is  first that you now cannot give to your spouse. Anyone can have sex. Anyone. You wanna know what really shows perseverance? What really shows strength, self-control, and power? Not doing those things. You girls (and guys too) can have sex and end up being like a majority of the other kids, or you could wait. Something I heard that has always stuck with me is this, there was a girl making fun of another for being a virgin, the girls response was simply this, "I can be like you any day, I can go out tonight and lose my virginity...but you, you can never again be like me." I understand that some of you can't save this for your husbands because you've already had sex, but just because you have done it, doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. From this point forward, you can say that you are a restored virgin. You can look your husband in the eyes at the altar and say that you waited for them. I don't care if you have had sex before or not, but one day your prince charming will come knocking, and I know as well as you, that you want to have a happily ever after.