Who am I?

So, the past few days I have been "off." Don't ask me how (cause I wish I knew), but it's not a good kind of off. If those exist. I've felt emotional, needy, selfish, and filled with worry. I have reached my breaking point more than once. Burst into tears a time or two. And held back at least double that. I got around to 5 o'clock this evening and I realized that I hadn't spent any time with God today...wow. How does that even happen. How is it that the ONE who should be most important in my life got pushed aside to the back burner. I didn't even work today, so there goes one excuse. I stayed home. I read. I sold stuff on the internet (or at least tried to). I talked to a good friend on the phone. I ate. I went to get instructions for a house sitting job. But I didn't spend time with God. I made time to procrastinate. I made time to look up pointless junk on the internet (without facebook OR pinterest mind you...that takes skill). I spent my day on me. And look where that gets me every time. I started journaling and realized...I need God. So badly. I need to talk with him. I need to love him. And I need him to love me. So badly. I am too broken without him. I can never put myself together...and try as I might, I just fall apart again without his love. I have spent my summer trying to fix myself, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God. I have spent my LIFE doing this. When will I learn? I am not able to do ANYTHING on my own. I get my feelings hurt over hurtful words. I get angry and hurt when plans change unexpectedly. I feel personally attacked when I am called out on my faults (unless it's in a way that is not embarrassing). I rule my world, and if anyone tries to do things differently, I throw a little (or big) fit. Who am I? Compared to who I was even in high school, I have grown in my faith and in many areas. But when I look at who I am, compared to who I know Christ wants me to be, I am saddened. I know it's a process (and jeez do I hate that), but it's hard. God is soooo good. He is so encouraging, and without his encouragement through his word and through the incredible people he's placed in my life, I probably would have given up by now. I want to be perfect. So badly. I want to figure out my faults and just fix them and never struggle with them again. Ever. I want to be so in love with Christ that when people look at me, the first thing they see is Him. I don't want to be remembered for the sin I have committed. I don't even want to be remembered for the good that I've done. I want to be remembered as God's daughter. I want people to look back when I'm gone and see Christ. I don't care if they remember what I looked like, how many years I went to college, how many mission trips I went on, how much money I made, or anything like that...I want to be remembered for loving Christ first all the time. I want to be remembered as the girl who took each moment as it came and gave God glory through it. I don't want to be remembered as the girl who got angry at the flip of a switch, or the one who had to cry at least 3 times a week to remain sane, or even the one who was good at mourning with those who mourn. I don't want to be remembered for anything I did. I want to be remembered for what Christ did through me.

Alright already

Guys...well, I guess I mean girls...how many times do I have to address this issue. Okay, so I guess it's totally up to me what I talk about on here, but summertime brings out the worst in me on this issue. Modesty IS important. I don't know how many young women that I have talked to lately who have expressed to me their deep desire to find someone worth fighting for. I hear talk of how lucky I am to have found a guy who is trustworthy, respectful, loving, and whose number one priority is following God. I am here to tell you that I didn't find him by going out and partying, drinking, sleeping around, or wearing clothes that draw unnecessary attention to my body. I have been blessed to date my best friend, because I waited on God and spent a lot of time wrestling with where my relationship with Adam was supposed to go. I remember just the other day I was talking to a friend, and she was just sad about the fact that she couldn't find a good man. I was telling her how the good men are out there, but that you have to be following God and being a woman worth fighting for yourself before a good man will consider entering into a relationship with you. Immodesty shows a lack of respect for yourself and for everyone around you. Honestly, women have a tendency towards putting all the blame on men. "They shouldn't be such pigs! I should be able to wear whatever I want! They need to control themselves!" Honestly? C'mon now, ladies. That's a bit pathetic, don't you think? If you had any respect at all for any of the men on this planet, you would cover it up. I don't care how pretty you are or how great of a body you have, when you dress immodestly, you attract a certain kind of man. And then! You complain about how men are pigs and don't have respect for you. Well...duh! You are setting yourself up for failure. You don't have to reveal your body to be pretty. In fact, it's infinitely more impressive when a girl is pretty and modest. You can't say "my eyes are up here" when you're falling out of your clothing. And what is it with these denim underwear that I keep seeing? What? You have got to be kidding me. Those are not shorts, just like leggings are not pants, and those shreds of fabric that are ripped up the sides so guys can see your sports bras are not shirts. I'm telling you, if you want men to respect you, start by respecting yourself. You are worthy of respect. You don't need a man to "complete" you as much as you might want one. And it is your responsibility to honor the men out there. Just think about it this way, if you wouldn't want your boyfriend or future husband to be exposed to certain attire on other women, YOU shouldn't wear those things either. It's a hard enough struggle for them to begin with, we don't have to add to it by not wearing clothes! I know, Jenna always talks about modesty. I'm sorry. I just feel sick about the fact that our young women feel the need to walk around exposing themselves to feel like they are worthy of love and attention. If we all acted a bit more like ladies, I'm betting that the gentlemen would be more easy to discover.

And if I perish, I perish...

     So...I pretty much suck at writing on this blog on a regular basis, so if any of you check this daily...sorry! But today I have something to say. I was spending some time in the word this morning in the book of Esther (and not just because I am a woman!) and I found these words, "and if I perish, I perish." Now, if you know anything about this book, you know that there is this woman, Esther, that is a Jewish girl who becomes the queen. She saves her people and gets the bad guy killed. Pretty heroic lady. That's not why I'm reading through the book, by the way! We are going through this in my Sunday School Class at Christ Church of Oronogo, so I thought I would start digging into it. But in this phrase that I picked out...we see courage. Esther knew that if she entered the kings inner courts without being summoned, she was likely to be killed. But she knew that without her help, all of the Jews (including herself) would be killed. She was willing to do the work and willing to risk her life to save her people.
     Now, what I find so appealing about all of this is that even though she was afraid for her life, she went anyways. Whenever I read a book or watch a movie, I always compare myself to the main female character (whatever, you know you do it too!). It makes movies and books a lot more interesting when you are actually in the shoes of the person whose experiencing all the action. It makes you think. Would I have gone into the king's quarters without his permission? Well, sure! He's MY husband, right?! I should be able to do what I want. Equal rights for crying out loud! But it's not like that here. If I were in Esther's shoes, I would KNOW that unless the king extended his gold scepter out to me, I was dead meat. And sure, you could run and try to scream your way out of death, but I'm sure they've dealt with that before. So, what would I do? Would I let my family and friends be mutilated by some lying, conniving man? Surely not! I would not let him take my sister, and mom, and best friends because I was afraid. Right?
     Well, something else I always do in movies (I can never just peacefully watch a movie, okay?) is compare it to the bigger picture in life. This is totally off subject, but I'm going to give you an example of this. You know in Horton Hears a Who? Yeah. I pictured the little town of Whoville to be God, and Horton was the faithful follower trying to tell everyone that this God he held was real, even if you couldn't really see him or hear him. And that darn kangaroo....well, atheist. She was just so determined that there was absolutely nothing but a speck of dust on that fluffy flower! But boy was she wrong...God was there all along. Now, I know this isn't theologically sound...because God's not a little city full of people, he doesn't need saving, and so on and so forth, but that's how I started with the movie and it just goes from there.
     ANYWAYS, back to what I was actually saying. God doesn't just call us to care about the people really close to us, like our family and friends. He calls us to love all people. To go into ALL the world. The people are being mutilated, starving, dying, without Jesus. And we cry out, "That's not fair! Surely, God will let them into heaven if they've never had a chance to know him!" They did have a chance, but we didn't give it to them, by going. It is our job to evangelize. I'm not calling out any individuals, besides myself. I have to admit, though I am a Bible College student, I still get nervous sharing the gospel. You know why? Because people might not agree with me. They might say mean things, and make me all upset, and then I might say something wrong. What if I preach a gospel that isn't really the gospel. What if I say the wrong thing and turn them off the God. What is I say something, and accidentally do another, and they point their finger at me and point out that I am a wretched human who doesn't really follow God 100%. What then. Well...when I write that out, I notice one thing...I, I, I. Too bad God isn't me! My God is so much bigger than my fallible self. I can do nothing. But Christ is doing something in me. Without him, preaching the word is pointless. Sure, someone might come to the faith, and that's excellent, but when we allow God to speak through us instead of relying on ourselves, we don't have to worry about looking stupid or saying the wrong thing. We still might look or feel stupid sometimes, I'm not saying we won't. But I would much rather look and feel stupid and save someone, then say nothing and condemn them to hell. Now....those are easy words to say, and even easier to write. But they are some tough words to live by.
     I have an amazing family, but you know what's weird? It's so much easier to talk about Jesus to people I don't know well, than it is to talk to my non-Christian family members. Why is that? Is it because we don't want them to think we are crazy? We don't want them thinking we are some Bible-thumping hyper kid? We don't want them thinking that the only way to heaven is through Jesus? We are afraid of being called close-minded? Well, guess what. We are. At least in this area. There is ONE way to get to heaven and that's through Jesus. If that makes me close-minded, then call me close-minded. I don't want the people I love most to go to hell because I was afraid to say something and have them not "like" me as much. I love them too much to let them go to hell. But man, is it scary to think about talking with some of them. Especially, when they are together and can band together against me. Especially knowing myself and how I get to feeling when I'm under that type of pressure. But God is bigger. Why do I forget that? Why do WE forget that?
     We need to go in with the mindset of "and if I perish, I perish." If I'm metaphorically burned at the stake for saying what Christ calls me to say, then so what. If I'm verbally beaten up for speaking the truth...then, so what! There are people out there, who enter war zones, risking their lives to spread the gospel, and I'm afraid to go into my families comfy homes and speak the truth the people that I've known my whole life? That doesn't make a lick of sense. God give us the mind set that "if I perish, I perish." I want to know that I am living my life for you, and honoring you in everything....even if I perish.

Waiting on your Prince Charming

     There is so much that I can talk about on this subject. There are a lot of you girls that I hold especially close to my heart. I enjoy seeing your hearts, spending time with you, and getting to know you more all the time. You are all so precious, and it kills me to see you looking for love without ever finding it. We all wanna be loved, and I swear probably 90% of my blogs are about this, but it is a never ending cycle it seems. We are fed these images of beauty, love, and perfection from the time we are born. We see models, princesses, and happily ever afters on every television screen. We get this idea in our heads that in order for us to have this happy marriage and happy life, we have to be just like them. We have to be perfect physically (like all those models and Disney princesses), we have to be good at cooking, cleaning, and being perfectly behaved. We can't have a personality, unless the guy we pursue desires certain behaviors from us. We can't ever get mad, or be moody, or have any friends outside of him. LIES! We need to have close relationships with other women, young and old, mature and immature (be careful that they don't rub off on you), and let me repeat, other WOMEN. Guys are great, they are fun to hang out with and way less dramatic (generally) than girls, but they can't give you the kind of relationships that you need in another girl. I am the first to admit my mistake in that, I grew up a tom-boy and I was not fond of girls by any means. In any grade from elementary to high school, I had a maximum of 2 close girlfriends, and close to 20 guy friends. That is not healthy. Guys are great, but girls are what we need. 

     Some of you date constantly, one relationship this week and a new one the next. Why? We are all searching for love, but we can't find that in a boy. We can't. Only God can give us the love that we are desperate for. When you expect that from a guy, you are destined for disappointment. They aren't going to fill you up in the way that you deeply desire. Trust me, I know. I was boy crazy too, and pretty much anything that moved I had a crush on (boys of course, not ANYTHING that moved). Some were nice guys, others were jerks, preppy or nerdy, it didn't matter because I was just looking for someone to love me. Just like you are. I didn't realize that they could never give me what I really needed. 

      There are others of you that keep going back to the same guy that keeps doing you wrong. It kills me to see that, and know that there is so much better out there for you. You girls are amazing and you are cutting yourself short by staying in this unhealthy relationship. I know it's hard when you become close to someone like you do in a dating relationship to say "No." and to just walk away. Though it may hurt at first, I promise you, it is so worth it. 

     I know that you girls think that dating in middle school or high school is not really a big deal, but it does something to you. It causes you to give someone a part of your heart, even if that person does not become your spouse. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone you love, the things that you have done in a relationship that you regret? It sucks. There is a safe way to date, I'm not saying the first person you ever date has to end up as your husband. Something to think about, every time someone touches you , kiss you, have sex with you, or whatever it may be, even holding your hand. That is  first that you now cannot give to your spouse. Anyone can have sex. Anyone. You wanna know what really shows perseverance? What really shows strength, self-control, and power? Not doing those things. You girls (and guys too) can have sex and end up being like a majority of the other kids, or you could wait. Something I heard that has always stuck with me is this, there was a girl making fun of another for being a virgin, the girls response was simply this, "I can be like you any day, I can go out tonight and lose my virginity...but you, you can never again be like me." I understand that some of you can't save this for your husbands because you've already had sex, but just because you have done it, doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. From this point forward, you can say that you are a restored virgin. You can look your husband in the eyes at the altar and say that you waited for them. I don't care if you have had sex before or not, but one day your prince charming will come knocking, and I know as well as you, that you want to have a happily ever after.  

What kind of world do we live in when virginity is frowned upon?

The truth of this title amazes me. What is so wrong with virginity? I wish someone could tell me. Sure, I hear, "Well, you're missing out.." or "Everyone's doing it..." maybe this one, "C'mon, don't be so uptight..." Hm...sure sounds like some pretty unconvincing information. I'm sorry that I want to save me, all of me for my husband. I'm sorry that I have the self control to avoid tempting situations that would cause me, or the one I love to stumble. I'm sorry that I can't relate to you in this way, because I am protecting my heart and the heart of the man I will marry. Actually, no, I'm most certainly not sorry. I am sorry that the world has convinced us that being a virgin is wrong. That you can't "get with someone" and so you're a loser. LIES! I've talked to so many girls that have been fed this crap for so long that they give themselves away. Girls biggest desire is to be loved, if you follow my blog at all, you would see that is evident with every girl on this planet. So, in order to be loved, they give in to their boyfriends prodding, they give up their purity to satisfy them for a moment, they have their virginity snatched out from under them. Girls have come to me broken. They don't know what to do. They want to change. Or they don't. And they are lost. Caught in this limbo of never really knowing what true love is. Always going from boy to boy, (or back to the last jerk that used them) thinking they will find it there. But it's never there. Because that's not love. And I am not going to just point fingers at the boys. But one of the most influential people in my life say this, "Boys are pigs, and girls are stupid." Now, I realize I'm going to offend some feminists out there, but I don't care. Get over it, because you know it's true. Boys are pigs, and girls are stupid. Girls, I see what you are doing here too. Just check the post below this. You are trying to become the pursuers in relationships. Stop it. Let the men, be men. You weren't made to fill that role. God doesn't want you being the man in any relationship. It's wrong, it's not your place. But don't allow just any boy to pursue you. Don't dress immodestly, lest you get a boy who's only after your body and what you can offer him. YOU DON'T WANT THAT! There is so much more! It's okay to be a virgin. Sure, it's really hard. Sure, you are a teenager and those desires to be loved in a physical way are there. I believe you. Everyone has those moments, but you can fight it. You can. I see living examples of men and women who fight for their purity DAILY. I'm 19 years old and a virgin. I've only ever kissed a boy, and from here on out, I'm saving even that for my wedding day. It's hard to set goals and abide by them. It's hard to find a guy or girl who believes the same as you and desires your purity remain intact than the desires of the moment. It. Is. Hard. But it's worth it. Don't go give your heart to just anyone. Make sure he's the right one. And when you find him, don't give him your body. He has no right to it. You have no right to his. Keep your hands to yourselves! It's not such a hard concept. Stop being selfish, and live the way that might be more difficult, but is definitely more rewarding. And you know what excuse I hate more than any other?? "I just want experience so I know what I'm doing on my wedding night." Bull. You don't need experience, I mean, c'mon. That's a total cop out. It is. If you can't wait for that person, then you don't love that person. You are acting out of your own selfishness and not out of love. So, if this is you, I'm not trying to condemn you at all. I'm just asking you to consider a better way. Because there is a better way. Trust me. I have never heard of a married couple that waited for each other, who regretted their choice. NEVER. It's worth the wait. And if you no longer have this precious gift of virginity, it's NEVER too late to start fresh. To have God clean up your heart and heal the brokenness, and help you wait from this day forward. I know sex is an awkward subject, and I'm obviously not much older or at all older than most of you reading this, but it's important. It is. I don't wanna make you guys uncomfortable....well....actually, if you know me, you probably won't believe that. But I want what's best for you. I really do. And being a virgin isn't something that you should be ashamed of, losing your virginity isn't something that should take you out of the running for an incredible marriage, and there is a way to do it. Christ knows exactly where you are, and what you are thinking about and who you are thinking about while you read this. If you are the one who has fallen into sexual sin, you can be made clean. If you know people who have, you can pray for their renewal and rebuilding in Christ. Virginity, I can't say it enough, is NOT something to be ashamed of. Be proud. You are the minority. You are proving society wrong. If you don't believe me that there are people out there who have saved this sacred part of themselves for marriage, that's fine. You don't have to believe me. But I am a virgin and I am not ashamed of it. Sure, it's hard. It's not always fun. You might get made fun of. But you know what? It is worth it. Don't be ashamed of virginity. Don't have sex with someone, just to be accepted into some social group. I gotta tell you guys, high school friendships, they seem important now, but when you're gone, very few remain in tact. You have no reason to try and impress these other kids with how many people you've slept with. It's not impressive. If you are a virgin, don't give that up. Don't give in to the pressure that this world puts on you. And if you're not a virgin, don't believe the lies that since you've had sex, there's no turning back. You are not ruined. You can be made new. And just because you've started down that road doesn't mean you are obligated to continue down it. I know a lot of you will. I am sorry. I'm sorry that this world has lied to you. Straight to your face. I'm sorry. You can be made fresh and new and you can start over. It's a choice. I hope you choose freedom from the chains of this bondage. I know this is kind of awkward to hear from me. I know I'm only 19 and many of you are older and wiser than I. You are the reason I know all this stuff. You have done a wonderful job as leaders and counselors in my life, and I don't want to seem like I'm just a know it all here. But I have seen enough broken marriages, broken homes, and broken lives to know that sex is important. Society tells us that it's not a big deal. But sex matters. Adulterous sex leads to ruined marriages, soiled relationships, and broken hearts, and we don't have to become a part of that story. Your past is the past, and whether you were raised in a broken home or not, it is your choice how your life will turn out now. You have the choice to follow God into a wonderful marriage, or to follow Satan into the downward spiral he has set up for you. Choose the light.

This has to change

Oh my goodness women...I simply do not understand you. I am a woman, and I don't understand how we work, or why we do what we do. But ladies...I am ever so disappointed in how we often act. I have to say before I start into this, I used to hate girls. We have too much drama, we are way too emotional, and honestly, sometimes I see this used as an excuse to do whatever we want. We are insecure, when there is no reason for that, and really we blow everything out of proportion. I found that, by going to Ozark, I don't hate girls. I just don't like when we are fake. Ladies, I know that we all want love. We do. Deny it if you wish, but I see past that mask. I have never met a girl that didn't want love. Maybe not romantic love necessarily, but love. Love from our parents, love from our youth pastors, love from family and friends. We live on love. We thrive on love. And when we don't get love, we seek it out. In all the wrong places. I love all the girls that are reading this, I'm sure of it. Because, I've found that girls are really easy to love when they are real. I know we all have masks we hide behind. Masks of "popularity," masks that show we "have it all together," masks that cover up the hurt with a cute little smile. I know we have those. We are afraid of rejection, of not being good enough, and of missing the right guy. There are so many fears when it comes to love. I understand that. But what we really have to think about is how we are pursing this desire to be loved. Are we tripping over ourselves trying to get just anyone to like us. Are we chasing down boys that will fulfill our selfish physical desires, the desire to be wanted and needed? Or are we following closely behind God, dancing with Him, until He lets the right man cut in? I have a feeling that most of the time, we are just running. Running from God into the arms of any man that will have us. Why? Why do we do that? You don't want to be hurt, yet you let yourself change and mold into the image of lust for some boy. Why? Girls, I am disappointed. In myself, in you, in us. I've allowed myself to do some of the things that I hate seeing girls do. Dressing immodestly to attract attention to themselves. Flirting with anyone that would give me attention. I know I've been sheltered my whole life, and a lot of you don't think I understand where you are coming from, but we all struggle, we all stumble, but God can always lead us back to Him. Do you really think a guy who "loves" you for your body, loves you? If so, you're fooling yourselves! I have gone to lunch with girlfriends who's shirts were so low-cut that I couldn't help but see! And I am a girl, I don't wanna see that. How do you think a guy feels? You are setting them up for failure. Why do you think that there is a lack of chivalry, and good men in this world? Why? Not because they aren't out there, because I have met a ton of nice, Godly men, but because we are proving to them that they don't need to be. They don't need to honor and respect us. Because we don't honor and respect ourselves or each other. We tear each other down, and dress like we just want "love" for the night. You don't want that. I KNOW YOU DON'T. I know it's hard. It's hard to be modest. I get that. The culture tells us the less you wear, the more attractive you are. That's simply not true. It tells us that you need make up to be beautiful. IT'S A LIE! Gosh. I wish you could see yourselves in the eyes of Christ. Or even in the eyes of other girls. You are beautiful. You are. You don't need to show off your body. That is something that should be reserved for your husband. What good is it to go from relationship to relationship? You are setting you and your future husband up for divorce! Do you want that? I know you don't. Don't you want a healthy marriage? Don't you want to look back on your life and tell your kids without regret that you lived your life for Christ? I know that many reading this have lost their virginity, or have gone far enough that you don't feel like there is any going back for you. I'm here to tell you you're wrong. All sin is equal in the eyes of our Father. All sin. Sexual sin included. You can always start over. You can be a renewed virgin, patiently waiting on your prince. Ladies, you can't tell me it's impossible to wait. You can't. I have known tons of women who have waited, and I've met tons of men who have too. It's possible. It might be hard, and God never said it would be easy, but it's worth it. I'm 19 years old and have only ever kissed, and I have decided that from here on out I'm saving my next first kiss for my husband and only him. We can join together to protect each other's hearts, to keep each other accountable, and to remind each other of the love God has so willingly poured out on us. God knew what He was doing when He told us to wait. He wants this to be special, and when we treat it flippantly, we are telling God He's wrong. I love you girls, so much. I want the best for you. I want you to know that you don't have to dress, act, or be a certain way to get a guy. You don't have to lean on drinking, smoking, exploiting yourself, to find a guy. Sure, all those things might get you one, but that's not the kind of boy you're going to want. I promise. You deserve better. You are better. You are loved.

Watch this, this kid has some of the best advice on the topic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqF_PtugyBk

Thankfulness!! :)

Oh man, there is so much to be thankful for in this life. Sitting here at my house on my couch just soaking in the day it hit me how blessed I am. I have an incredible family, amazing friends, and the best life I could ever ask for! Holy cow, I am not even sure I can list all of the things that I am thankful for. I am so blessed to have my mom who has been with me through everything, my dad who has taught me a ton about life and how to endure through everything. I am thankful for Mark, my stepdad, who has been there since forever. I am thankful for my sister, Fallon, who is my best friend and closest ally in everything! I love her so stinking much! I am thankful for my best friend, Adam, and that God brought him into my life. I am thankful for my youth group and the impact that they have had on my life. I am thankful for my cousins, who are God's gift to us. They are automatic friends in this world. I am thankful for all of my aunts and uncles who have spoiled me rotten since the day I was born. I am thankful for my grandparents, great-grandparents, step-grandparents, etc. I don't know what I would do without them. They are so awesome. I am so freaking blessed and I am so thankful for that. I am thankful for my school and the amazing women who I can now call best friends there. Marcy, Lindsay, and Rachel, have been all I need and more in my time there. I am thankful for Grace, my best friend of 4 years, and all the junk we've gone through together. I am so thankful for everything. I am so blessed, I have two amazing churches that I am a part of and I love them both and the people in them. God has dramatically shifted everything in my life and I am so glad that He has. Jesus is my everything and I love Him more everyday. I sometimes forget to be thankful for all that He has blessed me with, and in that I sometimes forget to spend that time alone with my God. He is so awesome. He is all I have to be thankful for, because everything good comes through Him. I wish everyone knew the love that I know through my God. It is so indescribable. I love life, because I love God. I love my family, because I love him. I love the pain, the joy, and the sadness that comes with this life, because God has brought me through it all. I hope you all are having as wonderful a Thanksgiving as I am. And that you remember that there is so much to be thankful for.