Jamaica Adventures - Post #5

     Ministry is confusing to say the least. 

     Throughout my time here at Robin's Nest, I have come to find that statement is even more true than I originally thought. One might think that coming to a children's home and loving on all sorts of kids from different backgrounds would be easy and there should be no struggle. I thought that. Maybe I'm the only one. I have found that it is, in fact, very easy to love these children. However, there have been many days and times of struggle. 

     Believe it or not, not all of these kids love me. Or even like me. I know, it's hard to believe! That true statement though, is very difficult to come to terms with. I want all of them to love me, even if they don't like me as well as another. But, if all else fails, I want to at least love and like all of them. Just like kids all over the world, these kids have their own brokenness that must be faced and dealt with. Many days it is difficult for me to remember that they do not have "families." I see Robin's Nest as their family. But they know, especially the older kids, that though this is a Beautiful and wonderful place, this is not how family was supposed to be. 

     That makes them angry sometimes. 

     It should. 

     So, why do I get so personally offended and hurt when a child lashes out at me? I know that they have struggles of their own that I know next to nothing about. But I am human too. I carry a brokenness of my own that Christ is daily healing. I am allowed to be wounded and feel hurt and sometimes even cry. For those of you who know me well, know that I AM still crying as much as I should ;) It hurts when the kids that I am closest to, reject me. It sucks when I cannot, for the life of me, get close to some of them. When worst comes to worst, I need to be a reflection of Christ to these kids. I need to rein in my tongue and speak gently and graciously. 

     I do not handle aggression well. When someone screams at me or is blatantly disrespectful, I struggle to not react in a poor way. Sadly, this weakness in me did not simply go away when I entered a mission field in another country. For those of you that know me, you know that I am not easily angered. There are a select few people in my life that seem to know just how to rub me the wrong way and ignite a fire in my heart. But rarely, if ever, do I react like I used to as a younger woman. 

     There is a child here that knows just what to say to ignite that fire. I know that God is asking me to grow in this area. He needs to refine me. Grow me. Train me to be like Him. I have a soft spot for the broken, orphans, lonely, and the underdogs. It makes sense that God would ask me to grow now. I am in a new place, with new people, experiencing new things. It has not been easy. There are days when I wonder why I am here and why I even came. There are days where I am so homesick, missing my family, missing my fiance and best friend, that I just want to come home and not get the credits for my degree. 

     But God is greater than my weakness. 

     He has sustained me and He will continue to. 

     He has me here for a reason. 

     

     I need to learn how to love him. 

     Christ in me can do it. 

     God is good and His love endures forever. 

     I covet your prayers. 

     I need them. 

Jamaica Adventures - Post #4

     I have now been in Jamaica for nearly one month. My time here has been full of highs and lows. Successes and failures. Joys and sorrows. Living on site at the children's home definitely forces you to really engage and bond with the people that you are daily surrounded with. That is very good for me, because I can hole up in my room and be an introvert all day if I am not made to come out of my shell. I have developed incredible relationships with most of the 28 children that are here. God is good and I see His faithfulness daily. 

     I am sure you are wondering what I have been up to since my last post. So, here goes! 

Every day I wake up at 7 (or I try to) and make sure that I have a lot of time to be alone with Jesus before venturing out my front door. I never know what I will be faced with when I leave my apartment for the day. It could be children who are excited beyond belief to see me. It could be children that are having a very rough day. It could be sweet hugs or it could be spitting, biting, and pinching. It all kind of just depends on each day. So, starting with Jesus and asking Him to move through me in every moment is vital. 

     Besides myself, there are 2 other interns currently. We are getting 2 more girls at the beginning of the month. Marah, Taylor, and I all have our own classrooms on site that we help in. Marah has the 3 year olds, Taylor the preschoolers, and I have the 5 first grade boys. Most days, I simply observe and help the students when they get stuck after I read them a Bible story in the morning. But one day...the teacher was unexpectedly sick. She would come, but she would be late. Since first grade is my area for this internship...I got to be the teacher for 2 hours before she came. Within in the first 10 minutes Dwight had thrown a jenga piece at Kemar so hard that he had an immediate welt on his head. 

God. Bless. Teachers. 

 

     We finally got the keys to get into the classroom and were able to go through our normal every day routine. Luckily for me, each morning starts out practically identical. That made my time as the "teacher" much easier. I DID teach them Phonics (dealing with the letter Z) and we did a "Language Arts" assignment which was essentially me writing a silly sentence on the board for them to copy down. They thought it was funny and most of them even did it, so I count that as a success!

     After 10:15 am, I head to the main house to work with the 2 and 3 year old girls on their swimming. I would never think of throwing an American 2 year old into the pool...but here? I do it dozens of times each day. We all love that part of the day. And after swimming, we have lunch, which is also a great part of the day! :) 

     After lunch, there is a hush that covers Robin's Nest. All the children are sleeping and so am I many afternoons! I use that time to recharge, read, rest, and recover! Shout out to Matt Proctor right there! Around 2 or 3 the children start waking up, some get home from school, and energy starts flooding back into the veins of the Nest. Depending on the day, I can find myself jumping on the trampoline with the kids, playing outside, reading stories, working on puzzles, or chasing children around the edges of the pool, taunting them or being taunted by them until most of us have been thrown into the water as much as we can take. 

     The oldest kids get back from school around 4-5:30 and when they return, I head down to Jake's House and help them get through with their homework. Jahaeim and I usually work together each day and crank the work out so we can go and have fun. He's a good, hard worker. Dinner follows shortly after and then I'm back at the main house sitting with at least 1 and up to 6 children on my lap or having a hand on me while we wind down with a show or movie. It is great cuddle time and when it is followed by tucking those sweet babies in, praying for them, giving them each a kiss, and telling them I love the, each day ends on a good note. 

     After 7:30, there is not much for us interns to do besides bond, catch up on homework or emails, and rest for the day ahead. I am blessed daily to be here, and even on the really hard days when I wonder what I am doing here, God is working. He is helping me to build strong relationships with the pod moms. He is giving me grace to know how to approach the more difficult children in a way that honors Christ. He is recharging me by the incredible women of God that I am blessed to be working alongside. Taylor. Marah. Danielle. These women have poured into me tremendously and without them, many days would seem unbearable. But God knows just what we need :) 

     He knew I would need someone who understood introvertedness. He knew I would need an extravert to balance me out ;) He knew that I would need a weekly Sabbath and time out of the Nest each week, even if it's just a couple of hours at a coffee shop in town. He knew I would need to be stretched. He knew I would need to build deep and meaningful relationships. He knew that I would need people native to Jamaica to pour into me, invest in me, and care about me. He knew I would need to have a lot of help in learning a language. 

    He has been faithful. He always has been and He always will be. My God is good. His love endures forever. 

Jamaica Adventures - Post #3

     So, I've made a couple of awesome friends here in Jamaica! The older boys, ages 8-12, live in Jake's house and they are absolutely wonderful. I forget how much I love getting to know boys that age, but they are so cool and sweet! A couple of them got to skype Adam with me after they asked to meet him. They have taught me how to speak Patios, how to play cricket, what a soursop fruit is, how to eat the jelly inside a coconut, how to catch the baby chicks and trap them so that their mother will come find them and then they can kill the grown chicken and use it for food. They've taught me how to climb onto the roof without having to use the laddar, how to climb the fences and what rocks to step on on the way down the steep descent. They have taught me that boys are similar no matter where you go. They make up girlfriends when they realize you are in a serious relationship, they need hugs and love, and they like being reminded that you care about them. They like having someone who will work on their homework with them and get them thinking. They like taking pictures with you and learning about the world. They like when I ask them for a hug, even though at first they acted embarrassed. Many times I don't have to ask anymore, because they just come and hug me. I often forget that boys this age still need love and affection. Many boys act so tough and are told that the "mushy" stuff is for girls. But when they know that you are safe, that you care, and you love them, it's crazy how much they will open up to you and reciprocate your love. 

     It's funny, it seems that wherever I go, I connect really well with the young girls  (1-6) and the older boys (7-13). The same is true here. I spend my mornings helping with the 1st grade boys and then I head to the main house to see my girls. We have 5 girls between the ages of 2-3 that stay at the Nest during the day. I swim with them every day at 10:30. They are so strong and brave and I can toss them into the water without fear that they will drown. I would never think of tossing any 2-3 year old in the States into the water. Period. These kids are fish though! And in the evenings when they are winding down with a movie, the second I step into the movie room, I am covered with little bodies all scrambling for a spot on my lap, or stomach, or shins, or pretty much any part of me that they can grab on to. 3 of them work on my hair pretty regularly, and I guarantee you that my head will be stronger after this trip because of it. 1 tries to eat my hair as often as she can. One calls me "Junna" with confidence. Every time. "Mith Jenna," says one, because she can't quite get her S's down. My heart is filled with so much love for these kids. They are wonderful and I have zero desire to leave them. They often ask me if I'm leaving, and though I can happily say that I will be here for another 6 weeks, I know that when those weeks end, it will be hard for both me and the children. I have to come back though, no matter what. All the pod moms and children want to see me back and they also want to meet Adam. So, there's that. We have to come back, and I'm sure we'll have a place to stay when we do. 

     God is good. His love endures forever. He is the Father to the fatherless. 

Jamaica Adventures - Post #2

     As I sit here this Sabbath morning, I am surrounded by the noises of waking children in the house above me, hammers and nails being used by wonderful teams to build a workbench for the older boys, and a lot of love. My first couple of days at the Nest were incredibly overwhelming. There were 40 volunteers, 27 children, about a dozen pod moms/staff, and 2 directors.Things have settled down a bit and the children have finally begun to understand that I am not leaving tomorrow, but will be here for several more weeks. 

     Living here with these children, pod moms, and volunteers has been incredible and wonderful. I love these children with my whole heart. I have been given Beautiful opportunities to bond with individual ones as well as to learn and grow in my understanding of how this awesome place is run. This week was a very interesting week. I have felt more at home and the children seem more drawn to me than ever before (which fills my heart up). A couple of days ago, I had the privilege of taking one of our boys to the doctor. He had a very high fever, and though we waited at the doctor's office for 3 hours, he was absolutely patient. He did end up horizontal, just resting his head on my lap midway through though! 

     The little girls and I have developed a type of secret language without meaning to. One of the girls clicks her tongue so we did that together and had a wonderful time. When she was pouting the other day, I clicked my tongue at her when she had her back turned from me and just received a, "No!" She knew I was talking to her ;) Others know when they hear my voice say, "Ay you!" that I am addressing them alone. There have also been on the spot made up songs created for those girls that are in a bad mood, and need to remember that they are nice and sweet girls, not rude girls. 

     If you can learn this Jamaican song, you can pretty much get in with any of the younger girls (hint: Y ou should probably have some semblance of a relationship before you sing it, might be weird otherwise): 

First, have a group of girls hold hands and put on in the middle (the one in the middle dances around)

"There's a brown girl in the ring. Tra-la-la-la-la. (x3)

She looks like a sugar in a plum. plumplum! (x2)

There's a brown girl in the ring. Tra-la-la-la-la (x3)

Show me emotion (girl in middle puts hands on hips and moves side to side)"

Yeah, it's hilarious! But it will get stuck in your head. All. Day. 

God has been faithful to me. He has revealed Himself greatly throughout my time here. I have grown in my desire for Him and in my understood need for His daily provision. It can be easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of a day and forget to be in God's presence first, but when I submit to His will and live in Him, I am finding that I am more the woman that He created me to be. He is the great provider. He will teach us how to remain in Him, if we ask Him to. He will teach us how to read His word, if we ask for guidance. He is faithful to His people. We must be willing to humble ourselves before Him and trust that He knows better. 

Prayer for the week: 

1. One of the teams is leaving today. Pray that the teams coming and going are able to be a blessing, but that the children can adjust to the steady flow of teams for this next month well. They seem to handle the people coming and going with grace, pray that that continues. 

2. Pray that the children will continue to see the staff, directors, interns, volunteers, and myself as people that are safe and trustworthy. For some of the children, this may be their home until adulthood. We want them to be happy here and see Robin's Nest as a place of refuge and a home for them that they can come back to. They have family here whether or not they are ever officially adopted by a forever family. 

3. God has sustained me and because I have been relying on Him, He has been faithful to me in return. Pray that I will continue to rest in Him and live in light of who He is. I do not want to become lazy in my work here. 

4. New interns are coming this week! One comes today, one on the 19th, and two in early February. We will all be living in this apartment together. Pray that we would be an encouragement to one another, that we would mesh well, and that God's work would be furthered through our partnership. 

God is good. His love endures forever. 

Jamaica Adventures - Post #1

I have been in Jamaica now for about 3 days. Ironically enough, though I have been studying about cross-cultural ministry, I did not expect much of a culture shock to take place. Jamaica has English as the main language and the natives also speak Patois, but I did not expect that would be much of a barrier. I was wrong to assume that culture shock would pass by me! Until today I had been very discouraged and felt incredibly isolated. Those of you who know me well understand that I can get along with nearly anyone and overcome the awkwardness that comes with meeting new people; however, I am also an introvert, so arriving on site and finding out that there were 40 volunteers already at the children's home was a difficult revelation. In case you don't know, having a ton of people around from your home culture makes integrating yourself into a new culture, whose rules you do not yet understand, exceedingly more difficult. There have been many times throughout the course of the past several days where I would have to force myself to leave the Americans and work on bonding with the Jamaican pod moms and children.

I have always thought of myself as good with children. In America, I know how to discipline a child in such a way as to show my love for them while also making sure they have consequences for their wrong actions. In Jamaica, I did not know the rules, the Patois that the children and pod moms speak so quickly to one another, the accent, or the names of the children or pod moms. In fact, I did not even know what was expected of me! I am quite a structured person. I like order. Schedules. Rules. In fact, I have been told that I oftentimes like rules too much! So, everything about this trip thus far has forced me out of that comfort zone. I have finally acclimated to the accent, so I can now understand what the children are saying to me when they are speaking in English. Because I have been intentional in forcing myself to get away from the easy to understand Americans, I have begun to develop good relationships with the pod moms and most of the children. I am not quite sure, but I think the children are testing me. Disobeying just to see if I will remain consistent in my rules. I think they are learning that their cute little faces cannot convince me to let them get away  with things that they are not supposed to do.

             God has been faithful. I was close to writing off cross-cultural mission work the first couple of days because the children were so disrespectful and rude and structure seemed nonexistent. But! The directors and pod moms have encouraged me greatly to be patient, flexible, and unselfish with my time. Their encouragement has helped me to keep my focus on God and remember that culture shock is something that most people experience when entering a different culture. I cannot convince myself that I do not like children from a couple of rough days with them, because I love children with my whole heart. There will be hard days where I question why I am here and if I am even being used for the Kingdom in my work, but I trust that God has opened this door in order that I might become more like Him and maybe I will be granted the privilege to minister to the heart of some while I am here. God is good and His love endures forever.  

             Ways you can be praying for me: 

- Pray that I would be brave. It is easy for me to not speak up and ask questions because I am worried about bothering someone or seeming needy. However, I do need the help of others and there is nothing wrong with that. Pray that I would seek to love the people here as fully as I can through understanding them more fully and pouring my time into them. 

- Pray that I would not allow myself to get too distracted by technology, and attempting to get my introvert time. I need to find a healthy balance of being with people, being alone, and being with God. Because of my rooming accomodations, it would be far to easy for me to isolate myself more than is necessary or healthy for the deepening of my relationship with God and the people. 

- Pray that I would be faithful to God's leading in my life. I need to practice patience, discipline, understanding, grace, and flexibility. These children are God's children and I need to love them as God does. Pray that they would soften towards me and see the love that I have for them. An intern that has been here for 2 months has struggled to get the children to respect her and stop with their rude behaviors. I pray that we can overcome this struggle. However, if God wants this to be a time for me to continue to love when there is little reciprocation, I pray that He would sustain me and help me to love them in spite of their behavior. 

What if life is all about dying?

What if our life is all about dying?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rztYMMhMT2Y

Before we go any further...I want you all to watch this video. If you can't, that's fine. But it's honestly only 6 and half minutes and it's worth your time. If you're gonna read this blog...just watch the video too.

What if our life is all about dying?

What if this life is not about what you can get?

What if this life is not about you at all?

Now, I'm not saying that our life is about dying in the sense that we should all want to die or be suicidal. Far from it. What I mean by dying here is a dying to self.

What if we weren't meant to live this life always striving after the next new thing that can bring us satisfaction?

What if *gasp* it was not about making a ton of money, keeping yourself and your family safe, and being able to always provide for yourself and have a cushy retirement?

What if?

What if this life was about dying to yourself and living for Christ?

I have lived the sort of life that I've described above for as long as I can remember.
I've been excited to:

Get a good education,
Make a decent amount of money,
Provide for my family one day so that they could have everything they ever needed,
Raise good kids who love God and His people,
Have a Godly marriage that teaches my spouse and I about Christ's unconditional love and that people admire,
Save up a retirement fund so that one day I can lock myself away on a private island with my husband and never have to be around people again.

Now, none of these things are inherently wrong. I'm not desiring an exorbitant amount of money...so I don't look greedy. I'm not planning on giving my family all of their wants...I just want to cover their needs. I do want to raise Godly children. I do want to have a Godly marriage that can be an example and an encouragement to others. That last one is a little selfish...but just a little bit ;)

But.

But what if this life isn't about me.
What if it isn't even about my family?

*Gulp*
What if God is not calling me to live a cushy, easy life where I can just shoot the breeze as my perfect family loves God and each other while using perfect manners, singing praise to our Father as they help all who are in need?

What if God is calling me...calling us...to get outside of ourselves and offer up our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God?

What if God is calling us to care for the orphans and widows...what if that isn't just a passage in the Bible that we can bypass?

What if God is calling you to give up your life for the sake of others?

What if it isn't about you?

What if God isn't asking you to save up a fortune for your retirement so that you can live comfortably?

What if He is asking you to give it all away?

What if He is asking you to sacrifice? Your comforts. Your desires. Your plans. For the sake of His kingdom.

Does that scare you?

It sure scares me.

I can think of many a time when I have day dreamed about being married, having kids, raising those kids, and getting to have my husband all to myself again. That sounds just about perfect to me. A Beautiful marriage, with Beautiful children, in our Beautiful family, living our Beautiful life. Safe. Protected. Financially stable. Connected.

But...what if God is calling you, calling me, to a harsher area?

What if He is calling us to actually talk about Him?

What if He is waiting for us to sing, "Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders..." and actually mean it so He can use us for His kingdom?

What if?

Does that scare you?

It scares me.

But I want to sing those words.

I want to sing them and mean it.

I want God to truly take me where my trust is without borders.

God is faithful.

When we accepted Christ, He never promised that our lives would be cushy. In fact, He warned us that it would be difficult. That we'd have to take up our cross and follow Him.

If that means that Jenna's plans to have a perfect family with her perfect husband in a house with A/C (At least! Because I NEED A/C. I will be perpetually grumpy without A/C. I won't be able to be a good wife or mother without A/C) are altered because we have to go to dangerous territory to tell unreached people groups about Jesus. So be it.

If that means I get married and we run an orphanage for the rest of our lives so we are never "just the two of us" again. So be it.

If that means that I have to give up my idea of a perfect introvert paradise retirement in order to love God and His people. So be it.

If that means that I have to stay in the States doing work here, even though I desperately want to leave this country and do mission work elsewhere. So be it.

If that means that I have to live in a hut in some warm climate culture. So be it.

If that means that I have to live in some suburb in a nice house or apartment. So be it.

If that means that I have to work a "normal" job that seems so mundane and unrewarding instead of being a full time misssionary...So be it.

That hurts.

I WANT to live in some culture that is not my own. In an area where I am forced to slow down and love people more intentionally. In a place where it takes a village to raise a child. In an area set apart from others.

(Maybe I won't want that as much once I've had more experience with it, because I know culture shock is incredibly hard...but.)

At this point in my life, I don't WANT to stay here in America. I WANT to get on a plane with a plan with only 45 pounds of material possessions to my name and just immerse myself in a culture that is not my own. I WANT to give everything away and live that kind of life. I WANT to learn to like the food, the people, the culture. I WANT to introduce people to Jesus. I WANT to learn a language from scratch and live with a native from the country that I enter. I WANT to be a missionary. My heart aches for that.

But my life is not my own. It is not about me. And if I tell God that I am giving Him my life, like I have, then I GET to follow Him wherever He would lead.

I can't tell God, "Here are my plans, I lay them at your feet, take me where my trust is without borders...as long as I don't have to stay in the States...or at the very least as long as I don't have to go to a bigger city than Kansas City....namely NEW YORK CITY!"

I can tell God, "Here are my plans, I lay them at your feet, take me where my trust is without borders." Period.

Our lives are not about living in such a way as to take care of number one.

Our lives are meant to love God and to love the people that He created...all of His children, even if they are "scary" or don't live life the way we do.

What if my life is all about dying?

1 John 4:18

Fear.

We all have it. For some of us, it is really obvious. We can see it. Everyone can see it. For some of us, we have learned how to deal with it in a healthy way without being stunted by its paralyzing effects. But for some of us, it has been so deeply rooted in us for so long that we have come to believe that it is not there.

Throughout my college career, I have been actively working to grow into the image of Christ. It is the struggle. I deeply desire to be perfect. I can't. That bothers me. It bothers me significantly less now than it did as a freshman, but it is still a battle.

Christ is perfect. I am not. Period. I never can be on my own. I never can be in this life. But somehow God still loves me. Accepts me. WANTS me. It's not just that God loves me, because lets be honest, he kinda has to love His children, right? But on top of His unconditional love for me...He EVEN LIKES ME!

He wants to be close to me.
He wants to have an intimate relationship with me.
He wants to hear about my life, hear my rants, and my joys.
He wants to hold me when I cry.
But He also wants to sweep me off my feet in my moments of joy and delight as well.
He wants to be wanted.

Isn't that weird? God wants to be wanted...just like you and I want to be wanted.

You do want to be wanted, don't you?

Let's be honest. No one wants to be alone. No one wants to be lonely. I don't just mean without a significant other to cuddle with. I mean any relationship.

Yesterday in Church History 1, Tom Lawson mentioned how important and impactful the relationship between friends is.

Scripture says in John 15:13, "Greater love has no man than this: to lay down one's life for his friend."

It doesn't say that the greatest love comes from laying down ones life for his significant other or his family. But it says his friend.

Does that surprise you?

I know it surprised me to think of how important friendships are reported to be in the Scriptures.

This is not to discount dating or marriage relationships by any means. Long before Adam and I were interested in marrying one another, we were best friends. I would then and I would now lay down my life for that man.

But it still surprised me to come to the realization that friendship is so vital.

God has been working on my heart for the past 4 years (well, He's always been working on my heart...let's be honest). He has been unveiling a lot of past hurts, a lot of ugly habits, and a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms. It sucks. Let me just tell you!

It doesn't feel good to have God reveal to you something unhealthy and harmful about yourself that you didn't realize was there. But God only reveals these things to you as you are able to handle them. This is not to take the verse about temptation out of context. God may give you more than you can bear on many accounts, we need Him and His people to thrive in this life. However, as God reveals our brokenness to us, He does it in doses.

He usually doesn't say, "Jenna...you need to grow and become more like me...so, right here in this moment, I'm going to tell you every way that you reflect the world and not me. You are reactive. You are often Pharisaical in your beliefs. You are a control freak. And don't let me forget about your problem with running away from scary and hard situations!....What else..."

No, God knows that if we knew the fullness of our brokenness all at once, we would be crushed. Discouraged. Disappointed. Deflated.

We serve a good God. A gentle God. A God who tells us that, "There is not fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

But you know what an even better translation of that first part is? At least in my humble opinion.

Marcy Low Greek Translation Ed. (MLGT) - It's legit..trust me.

1 John 4:18:
"There is not fear in love, but perfect love THROWS OUT FEAR (or THROWS FEAR OUTSIDE).

I love that. Perfect love throws fear out! It chucks it right out the front door, or in my case out the 3rd floor window!

So, why is fear so hard?

There's this phrase going around, "Words are hard."
Yeah, words are hard. But you know what's harder? Fear.
Fear is hard.

It's hard to uproot. It's hard to manage. It's hard to find the healthy balance. And sometimes, it's hard to locate in our lives. But it needs to be found, dealt with healthily, and uprooted...because perfect love throws fear outside.

We cannot have healthy families, healthy friendships, healthy dating relationships, or healthy marriages if we are living in that state of fear. And if we are living there, we are not experiencing the fullness of Christ's love. God is love. There is no fear in love.

I cannot tell you how many times I have made decisions out of a place of fear.

Fear of punishment.
Fear of being abandoned.
Fear of commitment.
Fear of intimacy.
Fear of loss of control.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of being taken advantage of.
Fear of being fully known.
Fear of the unknown. The "what if."
Fear of hurting someone that I care about.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of loss of relationships.
Fear of being unworthy...unwanted.

Some of those fear got their poisonous tentacles so deeply wrapped around my heart and mind that I didn't even realize they were there. I didn't know I needed to work through them. I didn't know that they were destroying good and healthy relationships...sabotaging them. I didn't realize how hard I was pushing people away. I didn't realize how lies could get stuck in my head and then after much rumination could begin to feel like "truths" to me.

I'm ready to try and never become that way again. Who I am hates who I've been.

Christ is the great Redeemer and He can somehow heal any brokenness that is in any of us. That absolutely blows my mind because I KNOW myself. I know that without Christ I am no good. On my own...I would be wicked. Christ has made me new and I don't have to live in the old life anymore.

And you know what's really crazy? God has brought people into my life who reflect this undying, unconditional love. It's really not fair. I don't deserve it, but man oh man am I grateful for it.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to get the most incredible man of God who loves me deeply and directs me toward Christ as both my best friend and my boyfriend...and who has remained faithful to me in spite of me. His unconditional love has shown me more of who Jesus truly is than any other person I have ever encountered.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to get the literal best roommate, sister, and best friend when I came to Ozark who has seen me at all stages of life and loved me anyways (even when she held my hair back as I threw up).

I don't know how I got so lucky to be blessed by a mother who loves me unconditionally, even when I snap at her (even though it's not her fault) after a particularly exhausting day.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have been blessed by the most Beautiful sister (capital B Beautiful, not just physically beautiful) who has held me while I held her as we bawled our eyes out all those times over the years.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to have a second family in the Lang's, to be shown unconditional love, support, and protection from that incredible family.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have the best neighbors who have been continual reminders of God's love and compassion as a best friends.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to have gotten a best friend in a girl who sat on my bed and said, "Yeah!" when I asked if we could be intentional friends with each other.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to have a wonderful family that has held me up through the most trying times and the most joy-filled times.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to have been blessed by a brother who refuses to reject me, even when I have run away from him so many times.

I don't know how I got so lucky as to have so many healthy, beautiful, and edifying relationships with men and women, students and professors here on Ozark's campus.

I could go on and on all day about how blessed I am. I have an incredible floor that I adore with my whole heart. I have wonderful friends in Jackson, Tennessee that I only see a few times a year, but still hold a special place in my life. I have great mentors, employers, coworkers, and acquaintances.

But the most important thing to remember is that God is good, even when there is nothing good in me. He is love and in His perfect love, there is no fear.

We don't have to live in fear.

This song pretty well captures the direction of this blog post:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSbVZKs8B_8