Throughout my time here at Robin's Nest, I have come to find that statement is even more true than I originally thought. One might think that coming to a children's home and loving on all sorts of kids from different backgrounds would be easy and there should be no struggle. I thought that. Maybe I'm the only one. I have found that it is, in fact, very easy to love these children. However, there have been many days and times of struggle.
Believe it or not, not all of these kids love me. Or even like me. I know, it's hard to believe! That true statement though, is very difficult to come to terms with. I want all of them to love me, even if they don't like me as well as another. But, if all else fails, I want to at least love and like all of them. Just like kids all over the world, these kids have their own brokenness that must be faced and dealt with. Many days it is difficult for me to remember that they do not have "families." I see Robin's Nest as their family. But they know, especially the older kids, that though this is a Beautiful and wonderful place, this is not how family was supposed to be.
That makes them angry sometimes.
It should.
So, why do I get so personally offended and hurt when a child lashes out at me? I know that they have struggles of their own that I know next to nothing about. But I am human too. I carry a brokenness of my own that Christ is daily healing. I am allowed to be wounded and feel hurt and sometimes even cry. For those of you who know me well, know that I AM still crying as much as I should ;) It hurts when the kids that I am closest to, reject me. It sucks when I cannot, for the life of me, get close to some of them. When worst comes to worst, I need to be a reflection of Christ to these kids. I need to rein in my tongue and speak gently and graciously.
I do not handle aggression well. When someone screams at me or is blatantly disrespectful, I struggle to not react in a poor way. Sadly, this weakness in me did not simply go away when I entered a mission field in another country. For those of you that know me, you know that I am not easily angered. There are a select few people in my life that seem to know just how to rub me the wrong way and ignite a fire in my heart. But rarely, if ever, do I react like I used to as a younger woman.
There is a child here that knows just what to say to ignite that fire. I know that God is asking me to grow in this area. He needs to refine me. Grow me. Train me to be like Him. I have a soft spot for the broken, orphans, lonely, and the underdogs. It makes sense that God would ask me to grow now. I am in a new place, with new people, experiencing new things. It has not been easy. There are days when I wonder why I am here and why I even came. There are days where I am so homesick, missing my family, missing my fiance and best friend, that I just want to come home and not get the credits for my degree.
But God is greater than my weakness.
He has sustained me and He will continue to.
He has me here for a reason.
I need to learn how to love him.
Christ in me can do it.
God is good and His love endures forever.
I covet your prayers.
I need them.
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