Giving it to God.. Not the easiest thing to do...

It's hard to say that I need to give everything to God. I know what you're thinking, "Jeez Jenna, why wouldn't you want to give all of your problems to God?" I know. I guess, as much as I hear about it, this is something that I still really struggle with. There has been a lot going on that I just want to handle. On my own. But, when I really think about the consequences of doing all of this on my own, by myself, with no one's help, I know that I could never accomplish anything. He knows that my youth pastor, the only one who I have ever even come close to connecting with, is being forced into a corner and out of a job. He knows that I have to juggle school, and work, and another job, and worrying about college. He knows everything that I ever have to face in life, and through it all He has been there. When I don't deserve Him, which is all the time, He stays by my side. He holds my hand when I'm scared and holds my heart when I am broken. And I am broken. I'm broken and have been broken for as long as I can remember, but He is helping me put back the pieces. He is the only one who can see past all of my cracks and flaws with a smile on His face and love in His heart. I am working so hard to give it all to Him. As much as I "can handle it", He knows better. He has been there all along, so there is nothing that I can hide from Him, even if I wanted to.
I know that I am not honoring God when I try to keep my pain from Him or try to hold my burdens myself. He is more than capable, I guess in my own mind, I don't want to bother Him with my silly tears when someone else has bigger problems. He knows that these things hurt me, and I am starting to think that maybe He knows whats best after all :) It's something that we all say, "God knows best", but how many of us really believe or acknowledge that? I think sometimes it is just a phrase that sounds like the "Good Christian Thing" to say. But do we think through that? If God knows best, then why do we question so much? He knows best, and maybe, just maybe, He doesn't need our input. He is God after all, and He loves us and will take care of us. I know for me, I have to continually put my trust in Him. Not just a little bit, or enough that I can still hold on to the hurt and anger, but completely give it all to Him. He can take the heat, He can listen to me whine and complain and yell and be angry at the world, so why wouldn't I talk to the One that knows the pain? It seems obvious enough, I just have to keep Him where he belongs. At the top of my priories and never anything less.

Easy to Anger

We've heard time and time again, "be slow to speak, slow to become angry...", but the other day i realized that i don't really take either of those two commands and apply them in my life. I am quick to speak and quick to get worked up or upset about small things. I am not being a clear reflection of Christ all the time, and when I have been called out on it, i lash out. That is not okay. I may have some pretty difficult struggles going on, but that gives me no right to lash out at the ones i love most. Because I know that they will "love me" no matter how i treat them. Most o f the time when I'm "angry", its not really anger that i feel. It's hurt, bitterness, or resentment. I really have been praying to God to help me gather control of my emotions so i can truly act out a Christ-like example. Be slow to anger, that's hard for some and easy for many, but it's something that i struggle with often lately. It's something that I am going to need help to gain control of. God is in control and He's the one i should be leaning on for comfort, why don't i? Well, I am hoping that with the help of some friends, family, and of course the Big Guy upstairs, that i will be able to become influential, without being influenced.

Listening and Learning

After having gone through the "stress" of fessing up to my actions its all kind of hit me. I am lucky to even be living right now, to be in a house where i am safe, to wear shoes, to have a bed, to go to school even. All of these things are a blessing. About the whole sign thing, i did not have to turn in the sign to the police department, I had to go over to Jennys house and talk to her. I had to tell her what I had done, disappointment is much worse to have to deal with than anger. I would much prefer someone to be angry at me than for them to be disappointed. and i have the feeling that I'm not the only one who would feel this way. But i had to tell Jenny everything that happened that night, and how i even brought my little sister along with me. (that had to be the stupidest part of the evening) She kept telling me that she was disappointed especially since i know better, but that she forgave me despite my actions. She could tell that i had learned a lesson through the event and that it would never happen again. It was a good week of learning for me. I am lucky to now have a man who will never leave me or forsake me. and will love me despite my imperfections. And whats crazy about this guy is that i really don't mind sharing him with you. :)

School

so, school started last week, and since school has started i have been met with some pretty severe lessons. not from school, mind you, but from my newly aquired accounatbility partner, Beka Goins. I had the opprotunity to talk to a police officer about the 3-way sign that i was apart of stealing some months ago. I also got to talk to the guy i had a crush on about how things weren't going to work out since i already have another man.... God. :) so yea, this week has been fairly eventful, and i do believe that tomorrow i will be going to the police department to turn in the sign that i stole. There is a possiblity that i will be arrested, however, he said that 99% of the time they will only give me a stern talking to. sooo, i am hoping that i am not the exception to this rule.. lol well i guess we shall see, and if it so happens that i do end up getting arrested then all i have to think is "what do i deserve". death would be the correct answer according to God, and the only reason i would get out of the severe punishment would be grace and mercy. So, i honestly deserve to be put in jail for stealing someone elses property, but its not my choice. And i am planning on only making choices that are what God wants instead of being the selfish human that i am and believing that I am the ultimate one who makes decisions about my life. This life isnt about me, its all about God, and ive been missing that.

Summertime Forgetfulness

Here I am, in the middle of summer and just now re-visiting my blog...
Like I've said before, I'm obviously not the type for keeping a journal or anything like that, but somehow I find the time to be on facebook or MLIA. But somehow, God slowly slips into the background of life. That's not the way that it should be. God is to be first in my life, and first in the lives of those around us. If we have God as our number one priority in life, then everything else should just fall into place.

It's hard to keep my eyes focused on the One who is the most important, the One who created me and you and the air that we breathe. Shouldn't I be more greatful and more passionate about this? I recently had my Itouch taken away for a week simply because I couldn't resist the temptation to add facebook onto it. How silly is that? That I constantly have to have technology and my friends at my fingertips. It gets to be a bit ridiculous when you can't remember the last time you had a face to face conversation with a "so called friend" on facebook.

What I need to be doing is placing the One who deserves my attention and who is capable of taking care of me at all times at the forefront of my mind. He is the one that is going to get me through this life. Not my friends and not my family, although they will be there as support. There is only one who can fully care for my every need, and only if I put enough faith into His love and protection.

God isn't something that we can pack away for the summer, or go to only when times get hard. He is to be sought after all the days of our life. Regardless of circumstances, and He is not to be treated like a "basket" that is there for decoration, but is never used for the purpose that it was designed for. If we have a basket, we would use it or we would get rid of it. But sometimes we treat God as if He is a genie in a bottle. And when we get really desperate we'll rub the lamp and hope that our wish will magically come true, but God doesn't work that way and should never be treated with so much disrespect.

So, I challenge you to look deep into your own spiritual life, and look at whether you are treating God like He deserves or if you are simply using Him when it benefits yourself. If you are straying from God or losing your way simply come to Him with a heart wide open, and get things right with your wonderful Creator.

Snowflakes

Today, well actually a few days ago, as I was watching the snow fall, I realised that our lives are much like the snowflakes. Beautiful, but soon gone.

Some vanish as soon as they hit the ground, some stick around, and some, let's be honest are a little cold. Our lives just like the snowflakes are intricate, delicate, unique. Not one is the same as any other. We are all beautiful, but easily broken under foot and we melt under pressure.

We don't want to become too icy and cause others to slip and fall. We also don't want to be so soft that others can walk all over us. I think all would agree that the perfect kind of snow is soft, but easily packed. That means we must be open for growth even whits it's not comfortable, and also keep our eyes on God by showing His glorious love.

We can fall softly among the lilies or get smashed on the windsheild of life. We are blown in the wind in hundreds of different directions, no two will ever follow the exact same path.

Snowflakes can also apply to the type of friends and family that you have. Just like with our own lives some of the "snowflakes" that we have come to love will leave sooner than we would like. Those people are ones that God brought into our lives for a time, but never meant to stay there permenatly. We have to learn to let go of those.

Other ones are there for a much longer, and make a really deep impression in your heart. When these people leave our lives it is much more difficult to handle.

But God will never leave our sides no matter what we may go through. He is always going to be there for you to lean on.

Jamaica Mission Trip

Jamaica Mission Trip
This trip was one of the most wonderful and fulfilling experiences in my life. I had never felt a love so strong. I loved the children at the Blossom Gardens Orphanage like they were my own children. The desire that I felt in my heart to change their lives was tremendous. Honestly, I don’t know if what I did at that facility changed anything for the children, but I do know for sure that it changed me. It changed how I see the world and how I look at people. Those little babies, toddlers, and school children taught me something that I can never forget. They taught me to love. Now that may sound dumb and a bit over the top, but it’s true. Everyone knows to some extent how to love, but these children love so deeply and passionately. They love every single person that steps into their lives. No questions asked. That’s the kind of love that I want to have. I want to be able to love unconditionally, purely, and forever. Not surprisingly, all that these kids wanted in return for their love is to be loved. That is their number one desire in life
(right next to getting their pictures taken). Something I learned very quickly there was that no matter how many times you are told not to get too attached, it happens. The first day I would hold each child and play with them, but by the end of day two I had found “my” baby. Her name is Jessica Parchnient, and I had fallen head over heels for this baby girl. She was so sweet and loved to be held, and I was perfectly happy to be the one that did that for her. Time after time she would fall asleep and I could have stayed in that position forever, no matter how uncomfortable I got. She has the biggest smile and the sweetest face that I have ever seen. I don’t think that I have ever loved anyone as strongly as I love her. It seems strange to fall in love in such a short time, but in all actuality it is probably harder to not fall in love with at least one of them. While we were there, most days were pretty hot, but that didn’t stop the children from wanting to be held. No matter how sweaty they got, they would hold on to you forever if they could. A lot of times you had to pry their little fingers off of your neck to even breathe comfortably. Over the week you grow to love this feeling and never want it to end. By Thursday, I had to tell myself that this would all soon be over. This sudden realization, that should have been obvious from the beginning, was so much harder to accept than I ever thought possible. Even thinking about it now causes me great distress. I guess in my mind I had started planning on staying there forever, and eventually adopting Jessica. I know that she is in a great place that will love her and take good care of her, but the children out weigh the adults by so much that there is never the chance to get as much one on one time with them as they would like. I have been on mission trips before, but this one struck a chord in my heart that I cannot ignore. No matter what I do I am constantly thinking about them and wondering what they are doing, and if they are crying and not getting held. The last day was harder than I had anticipated. When Beka gave me the signal that we only had minutes left with the children, my heart sunk. I ran to the infant room and found Jessica sleeping soundly in her crib. All I could do was look at her and sob. I would touch her arms, legs, back, and face trying to soak up as much as I could do in my limited time with her. She didn’t know it, but I was going to leave her. As much as I tried to keep her asleep, she woke up. She looked at me with her big brown eyes with a big smile on her face. I tried to lull her back to sleep, but failed miserably. After a point she started to make some noise. There were twelve other children in the room sleeping, and I didn’t want her to wake up the others and make the nurse’s job more difficult. So, using this as an excuse I picked up the little baby that was reaching out to me. This made things 100 times harder. She was now not only awake, but wrapping her chubby little hands around my neck and loving me more than I deserve. She would look at my face and see the tears streaming down wondering what was going on. I would wipe them away and try to smile at her to let her know that everything was going to be okay. I stood there and rocked her for what would be the last time. I had to give her to one of the nurses, Mrs. Brown, for just a second to meet with the supervisor of the orphanage. She thanked us for all we had done in our short time. After that, I reentered the nursery to say my final goodbye. I told Mrs. Brown that I wouldn’t hold Jessica; I would just kiss her and be on my way. I thought that this would hurt less. But, as soon as I kissed her round little cheek she turned away from Mrs. Brown and reached for me. I scooped her up into my arms and bawled like a baby. I handed her back to Mrs. Brown and heard a shrill cry. She didn’t want Mrs. Brown she wanted me! This was the hardest thing to see and hear because the look on her face was one of confusion and want. I forced myself to walk out of that room with her at my back. She watched me leave her and I watched her protest. I shut the door behind me and broke down. I tried to be strong, but the feelings welling up inside of me were not of strength, but of defeat. I felt like nothing I did mattered because I was leaving her and wouldn’t be there to love her everyday like I had been. I have flashbacks of our final moments and cry. The nurses love the children, but that will never change the fact that they will not receive as much love as they deserve. Sadly, many of these kids will move from one facility to another throughout their lifetime. Some may get adopted out quickly, and that is something that everyone loves to hear. I fear that I will never see Jessica again, but I also fear that I will. If I never see her again then I will know that she has been brought into a loving home where she will get the love that she desires. But if, when I go back next year, she is still at the orphanage the few days I will get to spend with her will never be enough to give her what she deserves and longs for. The best I can do is pray for her and all of the others to have the best life. I pray that they will be loved and hugged and kissed and tickled as much as possible. That someone will come into their life that will take pictures of them and give them more love than they have ever known. They deserve at least that.