For my Dad
So, I've really struggled to get around to writing out what I was going to say this week. I don’t know about you, but I've found myself getting really tired. It’s not because I haven’t been getting sleep, it’s not because I’m running around like crazy, it’s a deeper kind of tired…kind of like a tiredness of my soul. That may sound kind of weird, but I know some of you are feeling the way that I am. Dad fought this battle for a long time…it seemed like an eternity to me…and honestly, there were points where I was begging God to just take him so that his suffering could be over. But God knew better. God gave me time. I know I won’t be speaking for everyone in the room when I say this…but I had a lot of things that I needed to deal with before I could let my Dad go. There were conversations that I needed to have, questions that I needed answered, and time to pre-grieve his death. For those of you who don’t know what that is, pre-grieving is pretty self explanatory, but every summer I start the process of grieving like 3 weeks in advance, knowing I’m going to miss my family…and Adam.
I remember a friend of mine died last year…and I felt incredibly guilty about his death because I knew that I hadn't done all I could to tell him about Jesus. After that happened, Dad got really sick…and I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't speak up and have those hard conversations with him. God gave me that time. I remember driving to KU where he was staying and asking God to give me the words to say to him. I was begging him to give me words…to speak through me…because to be real honest, I’m not the best public speaker the worlds ever seen and it really makes me kind of nervous most days. As I sat on his bed, I asked him questions… “How are you feeling about God right now?” You see, Dad got clean…he got a job…he started going to college, crazy as that is and we’d talk about how we were both in college learning stuff and working on the same type of degree…and right as he was working on getting his life together, that’s when he got sick…that’s hard on anyone’s faith. He answered that he was angry…and I told him that I was too. You see, people always worry that you can’t express anger towards God…but honestly, sometimes he’s the only one who can handle my anger and I don’t want to take it out on someone else! It’s like the times when I've been upset with Mom, yet she’s the only one I wanted to talk things through with, so I just had to get over my anger and vent a bit before I could get back on my feet.
We had that conversation. I reminded him that God loves him even though his past was taking its toll on his body. He knew, at least in his head, that God loved him…even though many times he didn't feel worthy. The crazy thing about God is that none of us are worthy…we are all given grace if we receive Christ and live our lives for Him…but that’s a decision that we have to make and no one can make it for us. I have to be real honest and say that when I found out that my Dad had died, the first thought that came into my head was wondering where he was going to spend the rest of eternity. I didn't want to stand before you all today and give you some sappy speech about how “he’s in a better place now,” if he wasn't. I wrestled with that for a long time. I talked to Adam…and Marcy…Mom…and Fallon…and more than anything, I talked to God. I kept telling God that if I just knew that he was in heaven…I would be at peace.
People said that of course he’s in a better place and at first I thought they were just saying all of that to comfort me. But I want to stand before you today and say that I am confident that he is with Jesus. When I found out about my Dad, I was with so many people that I love, my two best friends (outside of Fally, of course), two more good friends, and my roommates’ dad. We were out in the middle of nowhere with no cell reception…so when I got back into range on Sunday, September 29th, I was letting people know so that they could spread the news. I talked to one of my girlfriends from my church small group to let her know. When I told her, she asked if I’d read her Facebook message to me…this is what she wrote, “Hey girl, when I took my prayer time today I just randomly felt that God wants you to know your dad is going to be OK. God sees you.” That was really weird timing. You might be skeptical, like I kinda was, but the date on this message was September 27…before I told her anything two days later. When I heard this from her…I about burst into tears and had to have Adam take my phone and put it into his pocket so I didn't start bawling at the restaurant.
To be honest, I still had my doubts after hearing from her and having so much confirmation from God. Then I talked to my Mom…she said on Sunday, when she went to church, she cried and was talking to God and said that if she only knew where he was…she would be able to have peace…and right after church…she came here with Fallon…and was talking to Grandpa Scott. He told Fallon (without mom even bringing it up) that he and Grandma Connie had been upfront with Daddy…and asked him if he believed in Jesus…he said yes. I am holding onto that, and trusting that what was done on earth was received in his heart. And because of what I know through Christ…this is a day of celebration! You know Dad…he wouldn't like everyone just mourning our loss of him, but celebrating the good in his life! He grew so much! He gave his life over to the only one who could make him whole. He got clean. He pursued a degree. He started living. This life…when it ends…we always think that it’s THE end. But this life is only the very beginning. The 20, 39, or 100 years we get…it’s only a glimpse of our lives. Dad is living a life so beyond compare that he isn't even thinking of mourning. He’s having the best (and cleanest!) party that he’s ever had! He would want everyone here to know the love of Christ that he’s experiencing now. God is good. Even through the hard times in life.
There will be days that are really hard. You might experience anger…at him or someone else or no one. That’s okay. You might go through periods where you cry all the time and you’re not sure why. That’s okay. You might just go on living and feel guilty for being at peace or for even being happy. That’s okay. Don’t judge your own grieving process (some good friends told me that). We will all handle things differently and in our own time. Give yourself permission to grieve…give yourself permission to scream for “no reason”…give yourself permission to feel and to be angry and to hurt…that’s good. Give yourself permission to punch your pillow…or vent to someone…or just completely fall apart for a time. It’s okay to be out of control sometimes. And I hesitate to say this, but I've been quiet about it for far too long…I want you to all know…that you can and will feel all of these things…and the one who can truly bring you peace is God. I never want to come off as that Bible thumping girl in the family…but I also don’t want to look back and regret never speaking up and sharing the truth with the people that I love most. Daddy accepted God before he died, so I can stand before you today and rejoice…I want to be able to do that with everyone. God is good.
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